My sister Barbara is visiting. She just came to visit the grave she said.
I’m having a very busy time especially with someone at Democratic Match. You might say it’s been very HOT and HEAVY with her.HHOT and HEAVY from the standpoint of we don’t like each other. She once practice TM she says. Not exactly where I’m at, so to hell with her.
And I’ve lost my phone. I use my cell phone to do my knowledge. If you don’t know, and I am allowed to tell you this, the knowlege exists in 4 techniques. I would call them meditation techniques but I don’t know about him. He asks for an hour a day and so each technique I give 15 minutes and my phone has a feature called Countdown, so I use it to tell me how long I am in a particular part of the knowledge.
Yesterday I thought I had lost my television remote control, the TiVo remote. Today it’s the phone. I found the TiVo where I was doing the knowledge and was interrupted by a phone call. It was my sister who had had a long bus ride from North Carolina.
Here’s a picture of the beauty when we were all younger. That’s her son Peter with her.
I was out there trying to pull the weeds that had grown up around the lilies. Oh my God, I had to quit.
Somebody stole my little shovel and claw, or I lost it somehow and I have to use a big shovel if I have to dig down to get the roots. You know that the roots are important to pull up, don’t you, or else the weed just contnues to grow.
Boy! I didn’t know I was so out of shape.
I have been eating a good bit lately, but I honestly don’t know how to stop.
I stopped at the Indian Grocery in G’ville yesterday and got these frozen “dinners” that I usually ladle over bhasmati rice. Last night Navrattan Korma. Very good. Had this same meal at the restaurant owned by the same good Indian folks and it was quite different, much creamier, which was not so much to my taste because the cream is bad for the arteries, you know.
Above is a picture of mom and my step-nephew Peter Corcoran, quite a few years ago. The 1980’s I believe.
Oh, gee, I didn’t realize today was the 22nd. Mom would have been 90 today.
Tonight I was working out at the Gainesville Health and Fitness Center which is now open all nigh every night and I heard a commercial on their radio about staying fit. They stressed the importance of exercise to preventing stroke. That, naturally, made me think of mom. She used to work out in a little place in her little southern town. It was half physical therapy and half fitness. The fellow who opened the first health food store in little Melrose was a big fan of it and he often tried to get me to join but I wouldn’t. I don’t really love my little town, you see, I’m a kind of big town guy, I go over to Gainesville, the host of the University of Florida for my thrills and little Melrose just seems filled with meanness to me, but I have learned meanness is not confined to little towns.
The meanest thing, right now, that I’m thinking of was when mom, who you know died of a stroke, had to quit her workouts when the little fitness center closed down. This was all about Bush and his economy. He blamed 9/11 but there was much more than that. He just had no pity on small people and I think that’s why my mom died at the age of 89. I always believed mom would make it into her nineties, but without exercise she was inviting disaster. A key ingredient to the success that the little fitness place had was a woman named Betty Wood. She was an elderly lady who once danced with the Rockettes in New York City. Mom and her were great friends. Betty died of a coronary after she had to move to Gainesville. Mom was upset about Betty’s having to move. Betty had protested the moving and she didn’t like it in Gainesville. But it was one of those things where kids were involved. She had a daughter who insisted on the move or maybe even had right of attorney to make it happen. I know about that. I was trying to get right of attorney right up to mom’s last days. She couldn’t of course, write, having been paralyzed on the right side, a.k.a. right neglect, in stroke talk. I torture myself sometimes at night thinking about what I did at the end. Mom didn’t want to go to a nursing facility, but that was easier on ME! Easier on the SON, and so it was done. I believe it was why she stopped eating, why she stopped improving. She had been feeding herself a few times. Even that, I interfered and fed her instead of making her feed herself. I’m really ashamed of myself. I was so ignorant. Maybe there is really something wrong with me. I often just have no energy and so many things are a stress for me. I’m 54 and unemployed and I have doctor’s bills and prescriptions to pay for for the first time in my life. I was told I had diabetes 2 in 1998 and I had a heart attack in 2004. Then in 2005 I needed the hospital for pneumonia with pleurisy. Many costs were paid for by giving me indigent status. That let the hospital write off, this is a big tax thing, my stay. But many doctors and the ambulance continued to need to be paid and I only had mom’s income to work with. No one will hire me. It’s as if I was a high school dropout or something. I couldn’t finish the 4 year college, but I didn’t get an Associates Degree from a reputable community college. Somehow I think my old man was/is behind it. He was a boss in the railroad, but that’s very complicated involving marriages and kids and all that stuff that Bush wouldn’t be too concerned about. It’s freedom for Iraq that matters to Bush, right?!!! Free oil, really!
So, mom spent 4 days at a nursing facility that I thought was supposed to be a more advanced place than the Therapy Hospital she was in. I think I was misled. She did have a doctor and nurses there that she wouldn’t have had at home, but God, I hate myself for being so unprepared, so scared of the solitude and the distance I experience, and for not wanting mom home.
I was reading a quote from the Urantia Book today as I was looking for another quote that I remembered. The quote was unbelief is the strongest enemy of belief. Actually, the quote goes like this, “The believer has only one battle, and that is against doubt — unbelief.”
I put a quote in my blast as well about finding work for those who are unmployed, my current need, but the blast box wasn’t able to hold the whole thing so I had to just give the end part of it. The whole quote is like this, ” Idleness is destructive of self-respect; therefore, admonish your brethren ever to keep busy at their chosen tasks, and put forth every effort to secure work for those who find themselves without employment. “
I remembered the quotes because of the CDs made by Paton Benton.
I was just in Ft. Lauderdale to see Prem Rawat Singh, a.k.a Guru Maharaji.
What an event it was. My hotel was 8 miles from the Broward County Convention Center where the event took place. I got a little tired toward the end of the second day, it was a 2 day event. I didn’t realize the second day was going to be so long since it was a Sunday. Usually those are the laid back relaxing days, but here the program started at 10 a.m and lasted until nearly 7 p.m. I had to cut out on a video at the end and I felt a bit self-conscious.
A lot of it had been question and answer and I think I felt a swell of pride in the questions that were passing through my mind all weekend. I had many questions about the techniques and also I wanted attention for my grief, having lost mom this year. But I never said a word. I never raised my hand to get the microphone, even. It’s not that I was afraid but maybe not so comfortable with the new people. I had followed Gurumayi, you know.
I wondered after the event about people and their personal backgrounds. It is really a great sensitivity when these “liberals” as they call them remind us that people come from different backgrounds. You know, they speak of diversity and of cultural bias in testing but how many of us have really experienced it? Maybe we say the state is biased against hippies, or pot or sex and the like, but I am not sure we understand how those backgrounds have affected those people’s thinking to make them find it difficult to harmonize with us.
It’s a sense of other, you know. Baba said this sense of other is suffering, that we are all the same self. Maharaji has had something else to say. Whereas God is within you, he is not you.
I’ve been thinking about this and I think when Baba said that God was you he was thinking of God being disguised as you rather than you’re being the perfect reflection of Godly qualities.
Oh, I am going to have to think this over.
Maharaji has asked us to make 3 promises, to not reveal these techniques to anybody, to give this knowledge a chance and to keep in touch.
I’m working on them.