Home > Uncategorized > Entry for July 20, 2007

Entry for July 20, 2007

Tonight I was working out at the Gainesville Health and Fitness Center which is now open all nigh every night and I heard a commercial on their radio about staying fit. They stressed the importance of exercise to preventing stroke. That, naturally, made me think of mom. She used to work out in a little place in her little southern town. It was half physical therapy and half fitness. The fellow who opened the first health food store in little Melrose was a big fan of it and he often tried to get me to join but I wouldn’t. I don’t really love my little town, you see, I’m a kind of big town guy, I go over to Gainesville, the host of the University of Florida for my thrills and little Melrose just seems filled with meanness to me, but I have learned meanness is not confined to little towns.
The meanest thing, right now, that I’m thinking of was when mom, who you know died of a stroke, had to quit her workouts when the little fitness center closed down. This was all about Bush and his economy. He blamed 9/11 but there was much more than that. He just had no pity on small people and I think that’s why my mom died at the age of 89. I always believed mom would make it into her nineties, but without exercise she was inviting disaster. A key ingredient to the success that the little fitness place had was a woman named Betty Wood. She was an elderly lady who once danced with the Rockettes in New York City. Mom and her were great friends. Betty died of a coronary after she had to move to Gainesville. Mom was upset about Betty’s having to move. Betty had protested the moving and she didn’t like it in Gainesville. But it was one of those things where kids were involved. She had a daughter who insisted on the move or maybe even had right of attorney to make it happen. I know about that. I was trying to get right of attorney right up to mom’s last days. She couldn’t of course, write, having been paralyzed on the right side, a.k.a. right neglect, in stroke talk. I torture myself sometimes at night thinking about what I did at the end. Mom didn’t want to go to a nursing facility, but that was easier on ME! Easier on the SON, and so it was done. I believe it was why she stopped eating, why she stopped improving. She had been feeding herself a few times. Even that, I interfered and fed her instead of making her feed herself. I’m really ashamed of myself. I was so ignorant. Maybe there is really something wrong with me. I often just have no energy and so many things are a stress for me. I’m 54 and unemployed and I have doctor’s bills and prescriptions to pay for for the first time in my life. I was told I had diabetes 2 in 1998 and I had a heart attack in 2004. Then in 2005 I needed the hospital for pneumonia with pleurisy. Many costs were paid for by giving me indigent status. That let the hospital write off, this is a big tax thing, my stay. But many doctors and the ambulance continued to need to be paid and I only had mom’s income to work with. No one will hire me. It’s as if I was a high school dropout or something. I couldn’t finish the 4 year college, but I didn’t get an Associates Degree from a reputable community college. Somehow I think my old man was/is behind it. He was a boss in the railroad, but that’s very complicated involving marriages and kids and all that stuff that Bush wouldn’t be too concerned about. It’s freedom for Iraq that matters to Bush, right?!!! Free oil, really!
So, mom spent 4 days at a nursing facility that I thought was supposed to be a more advanced place than the Therapy Hospital she was in. I think I was misled. She did have a doctor and nurses there that she wouldn’t have had at home, but God, I hate myself for being so unprepared, so scared of the solitude and the distance I experience, and for not wanting mom home.

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