Home > Uncategorized > Entry for June 06, 2008

Entry for June 06, 2008

Here is a real kick in the ass. I tried to see if someone else would loan me money without my having a job and I applied online to ELoan. Well, ELoan turned me down online but I got a call a few days later saying a mistake had been made on the form and the home appeared to be listed for 0.00 instead of its true value. So this woman wants me to call her back because there are several products I might be interested in.

I called back today, excited that I may get some money to fix up the house and sell it, but at first I am taken aback at the $390 monthly payments I will have to make on a $60, 000 mortgage that I will have 30 years to pay back. I’ve had student loans but of course they are very nice to you and lenient in the payback, at least the Stafford Loan was. So, I was aghast at that but I let it slide and then the woman wanted to clear up this little thing about a job. Well, if I didn’t have a job what income did I have, a disability or something. I don’t know why a disability keeps coming up. I think it is like one of those pet peeves that Swami Kripananda in Siddha Yoga spoke of once. They keep coming back to you.

I was on a disablity once. I received Security Supplemental Income because I was considered mentally unstable. I thought I was this new Avatar. I thought I was the one expected in the Alice Bailey books. However it was hard to find anyone who would discuss the books or had even heard of A.A. Bailey then, they were just disgusted with me because I had been suspended from school and I couldn’t GET A JOB!

So, no loan again. I think about going back to school but I am not sure what I would want to study. Money demands one thing (computers, etc.) but ability says something else. I’m just not so good with the computers and I fear trying to get an A.S. in some Information Technology Service subject like Networking, or whatever. I tried programming once already and got scared and chickened out. That’s how I ended up with a Certificate in Business Data Processing. I guess its a girl’s degree or something. I see a lot of sexism about, and every other kind of ism I believe. What ism applies to me I am still not sure, counter-culurism, I guess. They want to punish the dirty bums who smoked dope and weren’t drafted and got grades virtually given away in community colleges. They just don’t like reality I guess. What would people do if they didn’t have outlets like community colleges, or if they couldn’t express their inner selves via wild hair and clothes. I guess we’re seeing it now. People would be unhappy. I’m unhappy.

So no loan for Bonzo.

Maybe I’ll go see a psychologist again. I’m feel really fucked up. I started thinking about mom today and started crying. I’m just at the end of the proverbial rope. I can’ty pay my bills anymore.

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Categories: Uncategorized
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