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Archive for July, 2008

Entry for July 26, 2008

July 26, 2008 Leave a comment

Think about what the concept “I am a sinner” means to our world.

You wouldn’t have to be “saved” unless you were.

It’s a nice idea that Baba has brought to us – we are not sinners. It changes some things.

Last night I was thinking of God as the world. In Shaivism there is a concept of God as nature. I was thinking about the power I thought I had to do what was right by mom.
I thought I had this power to do something.

I had also been thinking about a talk that Gurumayi gave on Baba’s birthday that is a famous video called Gratitude. I got a DVD from Maharaji’s Peace Flix that was talking about gratitude as well. He was saying we don’t thank God enough, that we act as though God were our servant or something, i.e. give me this, give me that, why iosn’t there this and why isn’t there that? I’ve often heard about making demands of God. It’s not something we should do. We should not be capricious in petitioning God.

In Mayi’s talk, Gratitude, she speaks of human ego. She says what makes a human being think it is so great and compares the human to various other animals with extraordinary abilities, including ability to swim, smell and what have you. It’s a nice video and one I bought for $100 many years ago. She goes on to say that although the human being cannot do many things that other animals can do when the human heart is grateful to God it is matchless and unbreakable.

Beautiful words.

But it all made me think as I was driving home last night about power, my power, the power of creation. What power did I have against mom’s stroke. How educated was I about those things? Was it so drastic of me to want her to be attended to by nurses? It was one of my main problems with having her home. The visiting nurses, home health care, could only come 3 days a week. You would think someoone so near death would get more care. I mean if she was in a palliatative state why not let the home health care come every day? Medicare is not so splendid in that way if you ask me.

I remember my father getting home health care. It wasn’t half as good as the lady who came to help, Miss Mame. Mame was an elderly black woman and she helped dad get out of bed and go to the potty (that little hospital concoction that allows patients to go without walking all the way to the bathroom). She also gave him baths and shaved him. She was a wonderful woman who did her best for dad in his final days. She did a lot more for us than home health care. All I remember them doing is putting the damn catheter in the old man’s penis. I know now that had to be done and that his agonizing was only something of the moment and not an eternal howl of pain but I didn’t know it then. Seemed like that really hurt (and having experienced it now myself I know it does).

My mom got Mame from my Aunt Lola Mae an old Baptist woman who may still go to church every Sunday as far as I know. I know she’s in her 80’s and doesn’t get around too well. We have never gotten along so well since she supported George Wallace in the 60’s and I loved the Kennedys. She got Mame for dad and she promised to get somebody for mom. But mom is not dad. Mom is not Aunt Lola’s brother. There is no magical think between them. I couldn’t depend on Lo to find the perfect person for mom and so I took her to the nursing facility.

Mom stopped eating at the Therapy Hospital. It disappointed a lot of people. One day she was even feeding herself. I hope I can be forgiven for feeding her some days instead of making her feed herself. I just don’t know how to give that tough love especially not to my mother. Feeding her absolved my conscience for coming in late and being half awake and maybe even unemployed was my sin. Maybe it was a small prayer that she would pass away. It was so hard to imaging taking care of her. We had just been through all that controversy about the woman in Florida who was actually a vegetable and being kept alive by her parents who really had no legal right since she was married. I’ve forgotten her name. Such things take precedence of personal relationships it seems. I wished someone older was there to do it all. It was that simple. Mom had been that and now she had had a stroke.

I live in a place that is like the 19th Century West. Nobody just hangs out, everybody has purpose and will, nobody is much fun. We just watch TV and key the computer keyboard.

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Entry for July 21, 2008

July 21, 2008 Leave a comment

My mind is at work today. Having some problems with e-mail. Microsoft’s solution, try Windows Live Mail. Well, I’m getting the e-mail but I can’t send. Seems to be an authentication problem. You have to select an authentication method but whatever method I choose seems not to work.
Thank God for Yahoo! That gets all my windstream messages as well as the Yahoo. Maybe I should add Google to that. Can I add more than one mail address to my Yahoo client, I don’t know.
Whoops, there it went again. Whatever I was thinking of writing here has escaped me.
Let’s try something else.
I’m getting ready to go over to my fitness center. They are open until midnight. I’m’ watching the Yankee game first. I need at least an hour. I could cut short my time on the bike to 15 minutes which would make it a 45 minute workout.
I haven’t been there in quite a while. I’ve become quite irregular. Well, I had the car problem and all.

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Entry for July 20, 2008

July 20, 2008 Leave a comment

Above is one of the little things mom loved and had me scan into the computer on many occasions.
Mom’s birthday is on Tuesday. Had she survived her stroke she would have been 91.

If you find that hard to read I’ve opened the Flickr version of it to the public so anyone can see it. I find it a little easier to read there.

I am a little concerned about letting the public in lately as I have been ridiculed at certain websites but it is open to the public if you want to see it.

The Urantia Book calls our passing, our death, graduation. It’s an interesting metaphor.

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Entry for July 19, 2008

July 19, 2008 Leave a comment

Yanks won on a hit batter in extra innings.

Don’t you think Hillary would give Obama a victory in November?
I do.

My transmission cost a little over $1600. Billy took me to pick up the car. He wanted to update his Garmin Golf Logix but we couldn’t. The tech man thinks it is a problem with the cord.

Billy has these recordings of the Bible by a Rev. McGee. He had one playing while we went over to pick up the car at Bobby’s Transmission in Keystone Heights, about 7 miles from here.

McGee is pretty strict. He believes in the virgin birth and much else that I question.

After I picked up the car I took off for Gainesville. I had had to get up earlier than I am usually getting up so I took the opportunity to think of work. When I got to Gainesville I decided to go to One Stop where I looked for work and got some good leads back before mom died. I have been there several times. Last time I took the TABE again and spoke with a woman about going to the University of South Florida to get a degree in Education, – I THINK. The career was teacher’s assistant, which sounded like a good job to me because I have enjoyed good relationships with many teachers over the years. Thing was I couldn’t see moving down to Sarasota where USF is. I don’t know if I see it now, if I could afford it through financial aid. I’m looking right now at how I could rent mom’s room because I saw an article in the news about it.

At One Stop, which I think is called One Stop Florida, I was directed to register with them and sent to a computer. I liked the idea of being sent to a computer since I am educated in them and would like to find work using them. At the computer they sent me to a website where I would register with them and submit a resume.

That took an hour or more! It was quite a day’s work. I guess I was gone for about 4 hours including the trip to pick up the car. I had a piece of toast with peanut butter before I went and I was very hungry when I got home. I tested my blood sugar and I was still not in the good range, 80 – 120, so I waited for it to come down before I ate. Usually I have a diet coke. Anything with no calories will do although sometimes I have coffee or tea with milk. The milk is of near negligible carbohydrates.

I found a picture of mom while I was cleaning up that I don’t think I had in the computer so I scanned it in and post it above for you. I may get it over to My Flickr soon. It was part of a group of pictures taken at the church. A note from her firneds Joan and Gil was included.

Oh, you know, I’ve even been looking into military service for employment but I find I’m too old. Isn’t that AGEISM? In particular I’ve looked into the National Guard, the Army Reserves and the Air Force.

I may be more of a victim of AGEISM than I realize but I don’t know for sure.

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Entry for July 19, 2008

July 19, 2008 Leave a comment

I was just watching Wal-Mart, the high cost of low price.

What greedy, slimy sons of bitches. I loved where the employees gave 5 million dollars to help out fellow employees but the Execs gave 6,000. Amazingly callous bullshit. It’s a wonder there are no terrorist acts against them. I’m thinking like environmental terrorists, whether you believe the acts to be terror or not they are often violent and sometimes dangerous to human life like the burning down of a ski lodge out west that I read about a few years ago. Apparently the same group is at work on Long Island, the Earth Liberation Front.

I’ve told you how I applied to Wal-Mart and failed a test required for hiring. I wonder if it was the question about what I would do if an employee known to be unsafe offered to do something for a customer. Should I go to the boss? Or should I go along and help the employee with the customer, offering to do the things that had safety rules myself?

Weird little test.

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Entry for July 17, 2008

July 17, 2008 Leave a comment

Do you see your own ego in your morning (or afternoon if your one of the night owls like me) cup of coffee?
This morning I had fresh juice which wasn’t so fresh because I haven’t cleaned the juicer enough. It tasted like carrot wine with apple juice. But, I had to pay some bills and after I finished my juice I sat down with my cup of coffee which has become routine for me.
Then I realized how I was worshiping my sense of authority with this cup of coffee. I need to be in charge and even if that gets in the way of doing other things it doesn’t matter.

I don’t know, maybe I was just glimpsing a future where I drink my fresh juice, take my prescriptions, vitamins and get on my way. It would be great if I had a job and I did things that way, but usually by the time I get the coffee brewed, etc., I’m stuck in front of the TV watching a ball game or something. This morning is a little different because I put on my Gurumayi. I have a Mere Baba Muktananda tape. Siddha Yoga insiders will understand that. I’m just saying that’s the tape I put on this morning (afternoon).

And I was surprised at my bills. I bought a dishwasher that I wasn’t supposed to have to pay for for a year and already they want $10.

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Entry for July 17, 2008

July 17, 2008 Leave a comment

Do you see your own ego in your morning (or afternoon if your one of the night owls like me) cup of coffee?
This morning I had fresh juice which wasn’t so fresh because I haven’t cleaned the juicer enough. It tasted like carrot wine with apple juice. But, I had to pay some bills and after I finished my juice I sat down with my cup of coffee which has become routine for me.
Then I realized how I was worshiping my sense of authority with this cup of coffee. I need to be in charge and even if that gets in the way of doing other things it doesn’t matter.

I don’t know, maybe I was just glimpsing a future where I drink my fresh juice, take my prescriptions, vitamins and get on my way. It would be great if I had a job and I did things that way, but usually by the time I get the coffee brewed, etc., I’m stuck in front of the TV watching a ball game or something. This morning is a little different because I put on my Gurumayi. I have a Mere Baba Muktananda tape. Siddha Yoga insiders will understand that. I’m just saying that’s the tape I put on this morning (afternoon).

And I was surprised at my bills. I bought a dishwasher that I wasn’t supposed to have to pay for for a year and already they want $10.

Categories: Uncategorized