Home > Uncategorized > Entry for July 26, 2008

Entry for July 26, 2008

Think about what the concept “I am a sinner” means to our world.

You wouldn’t have to be “saved” unless you were.

It’s a nice idea that Baba has brought to us – we are not sinners. It changes some things.

Last night I was thinking of God as the world. In Shaivism there is a concept of God as nature. I was thinking about the power I thought I had to do what was right by mom.
I thought I had this power to do something.

I had also been thinking about a talk that Gurumayi gave on Baba’s birthday that is a famous video called Gratitude. I got a DVD from Maharaji’s Peace Flix that was talking about gratitude as well. He was saying we don’t thank God enough, that we act as though God were our servant or something, i.e. give me this, give me that, why iosn’t there this and why isn’t there that? I’ve often heard about making demands of God. It’s not something we should do. We should not be capricious in petitioning God.

In Mayi’s talk, Gratitude, she speaks of human ego. She says what makes a human being think it is so great and compares the human to various other animals with extraordinary abilities, including ability to swim, smell and what have you. It’s a nice video and one I bought for $100 many years ago. She goes on to say that although the human being cannot do many things that other animals can do when the human heart is grateful to God it is matchless and unbreakable.

Beautiful words.

But it all made me think as I was driving home last night about power, my power, the power of creation. What power did I have against mom’s stroke. How educated was I about those things? Was it so drastic of me to want her to be attended to by nurses? It was one of my main problems with having her home. The visiting nurses, home health care, could only come 3 days a week. You would think someoone so near death would get more care. I mean if she was in a palliatative state why not let the home health care come every day? Medicare is not so splendid in that way if you ask me.

I remember my father getting home health care. It wasn’t half as good as the lady who came to help, Miss Mame. Mame was an elderly black woman and she helped dad get out of bed and go to the potty (that little hospital concoction that allows patients to go without walking all the way to the bathroom). She also gave him baths and shaved him. She was a wonderful woman who did her best for dad in his final days. She did a lot more for us than home health care. All I remember them doing is putting the damn catheter in the old man’s penis. I know now that had to be done and that his agonizing was only something of the moment and not an eternal howl of pain but I didn’t know it then. Seemed like that really hurt (and having experienced it now myself I know it does).

My mom got Mame from my Aunt Lola Mae an old Baptist woman who may still go to church every Sunday as far as I know. I know she’s in her 80’s and doesn’t get around too well. We have never gotten along so well since she supported George Wallace in the 60’s and I loved the Kennedys. She got Mame for dad and she promised to get somebody for mom. But mom is not dad. Mom is not Aunt Lola’s brother. There is no magical think between them. I couldn’t depend on Lo to find the perfect person for mom and so I took her to the nursing facility.

Mom stopped eating at the Therapy Hospital. It disappointed a lot of people. One day she was even feeding herself. I hope I can be forgiven for feeding her some days instead of making her feed herself. I just don’t know how to give that tough love especially not to my mother. Feeding her absolved my conscience for coming in late and being half awake and maybe even unemployed was my sin. Maybe it was a small prayer that she would pass away. It was so hard to imaging taking care of her. We had just been through all that controversy about the woman in Florida who was actually a vegetable and being kept alive by her parents who really had no legal right since she was married. I’ve forgotten her name. Such things take precedence of personal relationships it seems. I wished someone older was there to do it all. It was that simple. Mom had been that and now she had had a stroke.

I live in a place that is like the 19th Century West. Nobody just hangs out, everybody has purpose and will, nobody is much fun. We just watch TV and key the computer keyboard.

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