Home > Uncategorized > Entry for November 21, 2008

Entry for November 21, 2008

I’m watching a movie called The Event about the assisted suicide death of an AIDS victim. I noticed a beautiful room. When I was young I used to notice rooms like that thinking I would live in one some day, I guess.

I’ve just been thinking about my credit card debt and what a good boy I’ve been. Of course, a good boy is relative. They don’t write checks from their mothers’ check books when she is sleeping. They don’t copy information from her check book, but I guess good boys might get to be put on mom’s account which might make them think they are entitled to such information. Still they have to wonder how much they are entitled to.

I remember once I had gone to Leesburg (FL) for a conference of the Florida Students of the Urantia Book. I think it cost something over $200. Maybe it was $250. It was a little ride as Leesburg isn’t so far from us, but when I came back I went and bought a car stereo. I bought one that played both tapes and CDs which made it a little more expensive than a strict CD player. Mom was very upset that I had bought it without telling her.

Sometimes I wonder if mom got upset about these things over the loneliness we both experienced throughout the 80’s and 90’s and into the 21st Century. Did she want to share in my purchase? Was it fun for her to buy things and so she wanted to know what I wanted to buy?
I wonder this because I have a bit of that feeling myself. While I was in school, although I was getting stoned every day, I missed not being clued in to mom’s buying a car or a TV. I think dad’s being home, in retirement, created a distance between mom and I. Though I announced to every friend I made in school how I loved my mom, some seemed to take my love as coming from her permissiveness. The conflict between the left and the right, the hippies and the rednecks made it seem that way, but what was missed was that in retirement and moving to Florida I was getting more distant from mom. There was my brother’s marriage, too and his staying with his betrothed in N.Y. I had no him.

Could be it was this kind of lack that gave me what I did have in FL. The intelligent friends, the teachers who welcomed me into their homes and the great wild rock and roll.

Anyway, this movie reminds me of mom’s dying a little bit. We all have to die. We ignore it and we should not. Of course we do take out our life insurances and think of our loved ones should the event occur without notice, but I think this was not the kind of awareness of death Baba Muktananda was speaking of when he wrote Does Death Really Exist? Nor is it the societal ignorance of death that Adidam speaks about in Easy Death.

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