Home > American Culture, My life, Personal, Siddha Yoga, tHE gREAT gOMBOO! > Guilt, Shame and Unworthiness

Guilt, Shame and Unworthiness

Just caught this line in lesson 3 of Living in the Truth of the Present Moment,

“Due to the ego we feel guilt, shame and unworthiness.”

A lot more is said before this but this caught my eye today. I feel guilt over my mother’s money. When my father died, he was a big miser, I seized upon this opportunity to impress myself with how important I was to mom. Like a union negotiator I argued within myself about mom needing me and so excused myself for finding ways to take money from her. I naturally forgave myself arguing that I had had nothing for over a decade, since my friends had unfriended me and I was forced to stay home with the old man … and mom.

I feel shame, too, because I cannot get a job. If I am supposed to adjust myself like I saw some characters in a movie do last night, denying features of my personality so I will be hired, that is just something hard for me to do. Right now I sport a moustache and burns and I wonder, am I supposed to shave these and boom, I get a job. This is what my father taught me, my father and his allies. I made a mistake in college and got myself on academic probation and so I never finished college, never got my B.A. I got my A.A. from the community college. Had the grades from the community college been accepted at the state university I would have made that probation up, but as it was, the state university has much higher standards than the community college and so, that could not be done.

And of course, unworthiness. I am never able to buy the pot for the buddies to smoke, or my own dope. I can’t win women over partly thanks to this poverty. My current stint in an apartment has been the longest I have ever been, “away from home,” although I lived alone in the house for 2 years after my mom died.

And so, I have found out this is all the ego. I am glad to hear it but what is nicer to hear is that the experience of the Self

“includes an exalted sense of well-being and a feeling of the basic goodness of life. There is also a deep compassion for the innumerable poigniancies of personal life, whether ours or anothers.”

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