I just had to call Bank of America because my Working Assets credit card was under suspicious use. I have been using it for everything with the prayer that one or both of my always had work brothers might pay it. I heard the spanish kid on the line say The Street and I told him I knew what that was, a stock market thing. He mentioned Siddha Yoga, too, which I had just made a purchase from. So when he was satisfied with the current charges and that no fraud was occurring we said our goodbyes and Happy New Years and hung up. Then I thought, hey, what is the Street doing here. I gave up on the market ages ago when I spent the last dime I had there. I was with ETRADE. I had been watching Cramer and all. I have seen those commercials for ETRADE and I was curious about playing the market. I watched satellite TV and I saw Cramer advising on the money and all that. Little did I know how GOP supporting all that stuff was. Christ, the guy was ecstatic when Scott Brown won Ted Kennedy’s senate seat. I had given money to Brown’s opponent Martha Coakley both directly and through Emily’s List.
While I was involved with him I bought his book Getting Back to Even and I subscribed to this online thing. I just read the subscription price was $400. I think I paid less. I think there was a deal on that. I’m thinking I paid $200 but I am looking out if there is the amazing AUTORENEW on that and I just checked and saw that there was not. The subscription ended today. They send you e-mails. I wasn’t reading them anymore. He doesn’t want to make friends, he wants to make money. He didn’t make me any money and no doubt it’s my own fault for not putting enough of myself into it. Two big dogs were Caterpillar which in his book he looked for with the housing market perhaps springing back up which it didn’t and Pfizer. Two other dogs, Cisco and Amazon. Lost money on both of them. Only earned money on Apple, Gold and EGO, El Dorado Gold Corporation which Cramer has in his charitable investments portfolio.
My family and I are not smart about money. Right now I think if I was going to go using up my credit card I could just as well have kept the stocks, but here’s the thing, I’m getting food stamps now that I wouldn’t have gotten if they had known about stocks I held. Right? Right! That’s $200 a month.
Overall I lost on the stock market. I might well have been better of if I had consulted with Kam Scott the banking officer at Wachovia who put my house money in a Money Market.
My Uncle Al, the veteran of WWII combat, a Brooklyn taxi driver and a motel owner would rather go to Atlantic City than invest in the stock market. My brother John has the look but it’s just bullshit and wouldn’t discuss it if he did have any financial holdings. Mom had some and I’m not fooling myself when I say she knew what she was doing when she let me see what she had. Mom’s finances were real good except for the fact that not a damned soul would employ her youngest son. Nobody knew anybody, there were no breaks for me and so all that money that mom had acquired disappeared into Eddie land, a place of computers, TV and Eastern Philosophy. Oh, don’t forget the organic foods.
Am I supposed to feel guilty for it? It’s not like I was some junky or something. I took some seconals once in my freshman year and quaaludes as a sophomore, some mushrooms and I tried the acid but I was someone who stole your TV to buy drugs and broke into pharmacies. People like that are working! The prisons have reformed them or that’s what prisons want you to believe. I’ve been getting all upset about Michael Vick’s second chance. I mean what the hell am I, an Eagle fan? A Virginia Tech Alumnus? Why should I be happy about that little queer? I’m a Giant fan. Jesus, who was the celebrity who was going to South Florida to see the Bulls play? I’m no big fan of So. Florida’s but the Giants defensive tackle was drafted out of there last year. That was supposed to make all the difference. That and Antrel Rolle. Kenny Philips were back and they were supposed to have a great secondary but look what Vick did to it. I didn’t get to see the game because my TV is on the fritz but I think it was the prevent. Those things always do it. I believe in that blitz if it is working. If a defense has been working a whole game why don’t you stay with it. Mr. Obama should thank Tom Coughlin for making the Vick look so God Damned great in the last 7 minutes, pulling off the pressure, letting him run. That was a great thing they did for disadvantaged convicts throughout the country. I know a disadvantaged convict but I have to tell you he is white, not black, not a descendant of slaves.
Although I hope the Bucs don’t make it to the playoffs but the Giants do, I like Josh Freeman, too. Tampa Bay should be proud with what they have done with black quarterbacks. I believe in black quarterbacks and black coaches still though I have been through the ringer with becoming a Mason and all that shit. Freemasonry is racist and you can tell that to Pat Summerall. It’s hard to imagine that that one little soul could make a difference, isn’t it? It’s hard to imagine that because I became a Mason, ONE FLORIDA passes and I don’t complain about the obvious game it has become with who is going to play quarterback, the black boy or the white boy.
So, there’s the latest.
I was once an avid reader of the Krsna Conscious material. They fit in well with all I had read about reincarnation and I liked the stories about Krsna and living the devotional life but I couldn’t agree with them about many things like abortion and sex and so forth. I have no idea how their public image may have affected me, “the people in the airport who give out flowers and bother you” perception. Although I really enjoyed their books and Buddhist books on Tibet I thought Siddha Yoga was the best thing for me. I read Play of Consciousness and although I didn’t think it was the best spiritual book I ever read, I liked it. It was easy to read but I find these other books in Siddha Yoga, the Pratyabhijnahridayam, Yoga Vashishtha and the Shiva Sutras, very difficult. No story line to these. I don’t feel like someone is right there talking to me. It feels like these are the laws and you better live by them, whether you understand them or not. Most of them are not full of dictates though as much as perceptions. I have already read much perception, i.e. Bhakti Yoga is the topmost system, only through Krsna Consciousness can one achieve total liberation and other religions have their points of view too that make them appear the exclusive path to Heaven. Some experiences had on these paths can make one really think it’s true and the mind wonders then ow to deal with all the negativity associated with that path/religion. There’s no time to write it all down either, it just kind of sits there in your head.
When I was enthused about Krsna Consciousness I went right out onto that road near my house and I put my thumb up. I was going to the Krsna Center in Gainesville. No rides. No, no rides at all. This was a very significant thing. How was God on my side if I couldn’t even get a ride. Was this some social bias? I thought so. So, I sought out a path that was a better friend to society or one that society thought was a better friend. I thought that was Siddha Yoga.
So many people speak during the course of the day, you may hear so many songs. We often don’t know who is speaking or singing. I find it good to focus on who Gurumayi is. I try to appreciate her position. India is a famously sexist nation. It is quite something that Gurumayi sits on the Siddha Yoga Dais. She is not an …old man like Baba was, yet she must give light to all.
I was thinking of a story of a devotee whose deity, his Ishta Devata, was angry with him for not treating him as human. It may be that my mind saw no advantage in seeing Gurumayi as human or that it and the ego simply had no idea what being human was. With Gurumayi, all these people call her their master. I guess anyone can, anyone who has been to an Intensive but actually anyone who wants to. This puts her in a high order and she must deal with fame and politics and history. Isn’t that human? That’s being human. In a podcast recently Prem Rawat says no everything is peaches and cream for the spiritual master. He does not live in a constant state of joy. He has bad days, he has good days. Prem Rawat is only saying that he’s human. In Krsna Consciousness they explain the tears that flowed when their master died as separation. They speak of people disappearing. This is the word for death. The also speak of constant joy but read their books and you find the greatest devotees crying over things that mattered deeply to them. One I think of is of Gadadhar Pandit not given permission to follow Gauranga, Lord Chaitanya to some place he was going. There is another unfortunate occurrence when Lord Nityananda, another of the Panca-Tattva kicked a devotee. Ah, but I can’t remember all of it.
These days I hear many complaining of Gurumayi not being present. She is not in the ashram. They can’t see her in person, or physically as they all seem to like to say. Why don’t they say in person? Is that too show bizzy for them? Is it so much more serious what they are doing than what show people do? I recalled today some of the show people who were at the Birthday Intensive in 1992, James Brolin, Peggy Liption and Phylicia Rashad. Someone at Open Salon wrote about Peggy’s meat eating. Peggy of the Mod Squad, you know. She had been a vegetarian until she met Quincy Jones. Something about Quincy’s meat eating ended her vegetarianism. She was married and divorced from Quincy before she attended this Intensive I believe. She was one of the hosts for it, she and the other two show business personalities I mentioned. I’m afraid we are denying our fascination with fame and stardom when we fail to mention these folks but then there is no great uproar of applause at Shree Muktananda Ashram when such people speak. There is just the same reverence as when any other person speaks. It was so long ago, I must admit that I can’t remember it perfectly, their may have been applause. There were speakers that the audience, most of which sat cross legged on the floor, did seem to have more of a relationship with, for instance Swami Shantananda, a devotee from Puerto Rico who speaks with a slight lisp. He wrote a book, by the way called Splendor of Recognition, in which he recollects his meeting Baba in India while on his “search.”
I guess I can appreciate more serious devotees missing Gurumayi. As I look at her videos that I have watched in over a year, since I got the HD TV and I couldn’t even figure out how to connect an ordinary videotape player to it, I see her big brown eyes and the way she is still relating to you even while she is chanting the Guru Gita or giving a talk on the mind and compassion. She has compassion for you and your state.
I posted here about my experience with giving.
Here’s the post.
#35 – Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:10 PM EST
I had a flat tire last night. I called AAA to get it fixed. It took about an hour for the fellow to find me. I was just outside of Campville, near the church where mom used to go.
It was difficult getting the tire changed because the van was parked on a slope. The AAA man had to put a piece of wood between the axle and his jack to get the tire up off the ground and undo the lug nuts. The problem was the worry about the van tilting and coming off of the jack but the man overcame that being very careful about what he was doing.
In about 25 minutes I was on my way home.
I was just wondering today about those days when we were sensitive to communities. When black cops were assigned duties in black neighborhoods. I felt the power of having my adversary in a helping mode when my mother died. She had a stroke and the only people there to help me were right wing nuts. I got no support from my left wing friends. There were no hippies around, no Rainbows.
Yesterday I considered that my parents were at heart divorced. That was their truth.
After mom died I found notes and such that told me mom and dad weren’t married when they had their first son. That’s why he had mom’s name from her first marriage. She hadn’t married dad. Dad had not married her. I saw a note, not a formal city hall thing, that said mom and dad had gotten married in 1952, a year before my birth. What a strange relationship.
There were other notes, the veracity of which were dubious. One said mom had graduated from NYU . I suppose if they had had the aid in her day that they do today she might have. She didn’t drink or smoke or take drugs so she figures to be the type that would graduate.
I once studied some drumming. I had a little rubber thing that I practiced drumming on. Long after the drum classes had ended I noticed you could write on it with a pen. I wrote some fantasy about becoming a great guitarist on it. It was kind of sad and lonely and it was found, as well, to my embarrassment. I had taken guitar lessons for many years and got nowhere. It actually fell apart right at the beginning when I told my guitar instructor I had practiced for one hour. He got very upset about this. One hour for a whole week is not enough he declared in contempt. I was just a 9 year old at the time, I think though it seems in my mind I was younger. I had practiced for one hour a day. We never got over that.
I adored Elvis and the Beatles had even come along. I wanted to learn rock and roll guitar and these fellows who were Italian, taught old style guitar. The proprietor opened up a ristorante nearby and had an orchestra there. Orchestra wasn’t me. I suffered for 3 years. Mom spent 3,000 dollars, ostensibly on the electric guitar the teachers sold us. I was too young to talk ripoff but it may have been. You had to get credits based on the hours you practices which you offered to the teacher at the beginning of each lesson. So many credits and you won something. The thing was a rubber/plastic head sculpture of one of the great composers, i.e. Brahms, Beethoven. Brahms was the first and I lied sufficiently to earn the credits to get it.
Those lessons may have really obstructed important matters at school. I also played Little League baseball which took me away from study. I never had a science project at school. I’ve mentioned before I never memorized the elements. I wanted to be the rock star though and look how wrong it went.
My friend and I finally sold that guitar on Ebay after mom died for $100.
I am having trouble posting to my Facebook. I have read that too many status updates get you in trouble with FB, as if it was spam. Hard for them to know spam from sincere personal sharing.
I was at the Siddha Yoga group and there were lots of nice pictures there. I only wanted to say so. I had posted a comment there about disciples wanting to see Gurumayi. I wondered if they were having a hard time experiencing Gurumayi in their own heart. I know this is difficult, but not something to be forgotten. I then made another comment that was just Om Namah Shivaya and Sadgurunath Maharaj ki jay. I don’t know how old or mature in study or meditation any of the posters are but … it’s the thing. God is in you Heart. That’s IT!!! Thank God we live in a country like America so we can include these great understandings in our own religious thought. We are unbound by laws making it criminal to say Jesus was a Perfect Master or that Om Namah Shivaya is the Living Word.
“I love the photos. What blessings from the light of our eyes. We are so blessed to be able to see.”
That was the post I tried to post. Blame it on the connection if you wish to be deceitful. I thought it was a clever way of speaking, a clever way of understanding. You know the eyes can’t see a thing without light. Gurus speak of the Light of Consciousness. I have heard this expression, the light of the eye. It is poetic, indeed. I don’t try to apply science to the thought.