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Gurumayi :-)

Gurumayi once complained about followers who let the Guru do everything. They just sit there and say, “come on, do you stuff, Gurumayi.” That’s not a quote of hers but a paraphrase. I was just thinking I felt that way when my momma had the stroke that took her away. I think it’s right to see that I bear some responsibility. It would have been nice to bring mom home and for her not to die in the nursing facility. It was a nursing facility, not a home for more advance therapy. I was unaware then of how much mom hated the therapy and only reflecting now on my own experiences in the hospital how much she wanted to get out of there and go home. Yes, it hurts that I wasn’t at my best when mom fell. I was taking tylenol and melatonin to go to sleep. I was sleeping as much as she was and she was oversleeping. She complained of being tired and I was tired, tired of being unemployed and unwanted. I was really in a depressed state of mind. I now reflect on the health professionals that were involved in all this. I wasn’t a grandchild but I was the baby of the family trying to take care of a greatly revered personality in my family. Everybody had great words for mom. They should have great words for me, too.

Mom hated therapy, the 2 weeks she could get of it from Medicare. If she came home she would get nurse visits 3 days a week. I was wishing that could be more but I’m kind of a pie in the sky dreamer, you know. I’m a big left wing liberal but unemployed and not familiar with difficult tasks like taking care of the elderly. The health professionals in therapy told me she was ready to go home, but I didn’t get it and I hate myself for that now and I’m not too happy with them for not providing me something. When I first saw mom after the stroke I was totally shocked at what it had done to her. She couldn’t walk, she could talk and they were having problems getting her to wake up and stay awake. The doctor told me she wouldn’t recover. Did he mean she was going to die. Well, now I guess not, but there was an ominous vibration to everything when mom fell off her bed that night and I went into her to see what was happening. Very ominous. I asked the physician if there were any counseling services for this. He didn’t know why anyone should need them. I don’t know why he thought it was nothing to members of the family that their mother couldn’t speak or walk or may die. How do members of a family deal with this psychology. Are they supposed to go into martyr mode? Oh, it’s me, it’s all me, I have to do it. I know this and I know that and I can’t let this happen and I can’t let that happen. It’s like slow motion panic. I was alone, all alone. I don’t think the health professionals had any idea how alone I was, but they were nice. There were nice things at the Therapy Hospital about people who had recovered and I guess that is something that gets me blue today. Could mom have recovered anyway, despite the doctor’s claim that she couldn’t? I had helping me my archconservative former Wallace supporter, farm stand operator Aunt Lola Mae and Aunt Ruth, who ran a bar with her husband Bobby who had been in prison for selling tons of marijuana. He had Hodgins disease. How much help could my elderly aunts really give me. Where was the Avatar? Where was that one who arises when darkness falls. Where was my Krishna, where was the inner Self, it was only in pictures and videotapes of Gurumayi. I begged Gurumayi to do something.

I guess I was being a lot like those devotees who ask the Guru to enlighten them without much work on their own part. I have been reading lately though that that is not a good idea to let dwell in your mind. Think the good thoughts. Think about that Inner Self, that Krishna or Christ being INSIDE OF YOU, as you. You may also think of it as inside others as them. Don’t worry for your mother. There is a life beyond this one. You just don’t know it yet. I’ve been conditioned throughout my life to take the blame, to blame myself, to see myself as a jinx, to see that I am something of an underwhelming experience. Get free from that concept of your Self. Your Self is CONSCIOUSNESS AND BLISS. Mom’s self is consciousness and bliss, the health professionals self is consciousness and bliss. This is all just a play the Inner Self has staged for Itself. If you don’t experience that, then just have faith in it.

Categories: My life, Personal
  1. edsaves77
    March 14, 2011 at 10:27 PM

    Yes, in Believe in Love Gurumayi says you just let the Guru do everything. She goes on to say it takes personal involvement or presence. You have to be there.
    Buy the tape, Believe in Love. I think it is the Message for 2000.

  2. December 30, 2011 at 11:27 PM

    Whatever the politics or problems of others…………they can help with care taking responsibilities. It’s a good thing they showed up-if only for company, or to give you a few minutes rest! Care taking is/was hard work! It’s probably a little easier for a girl to take care of her Mom (like me) than having a MAN take care of his Mom. Try to stay strong, and not worry about past mistakes, your Mom would WANT you to go on, and make the best of YOUR time!

    • edsaves77
      February 2, 2012 at 4:23 PM


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