Dreamed last night that my parents were alive and we were living in our house together with the 2 dogs. It was kind of idyllic.
I have these dreams of the house. In the dreams I really don’t know that mom is gone and there is a gentle pushing to remind me. It throws me off because I’m pursuing things. I’m pursuing love and success and the things we pursue in life. In the dream I can see my father but I’m not sure where mom is. Is mom dead? I don’t know. Then yes, is dad dead? There are 2 dogs, one from when I grew up who we lost when we got down here to Florida. We didn’t have a fence or anything and the building of the house was so trying for my parents and changing schools for me, along with the big political events, the peace movement and big Beatles hit, Love, Love, Love. I was still a virgin so it mattered to me. Kent State had happened. That dog and the dog that we got later after she disappeared. Both dogs it seemed were in the dream.
I have these dreams of houses. I don’t live in a house anymore. I live in an apartment. Mom and dad are gone.
Computer crazy. I wonder if Michelle has that password for roboform I need. It might be on the maching I “sold” her. I wonder if she ever got the DVD rewrite drive working. Guy across the street could help her, Gator PC Repair. I’ve been fiddling with the things all day. When you uninstall Windows and put it on a new drive all the old programs won’t work. You have to reinstall from disks or from files online at the manufacturers’ websites. I’m trying to get my Epson Perfection working. That’s my scanner. I can’t seem to get any peripherals working. The all-in-one printer isn’t recognized and that portable HP that I’ve broken the back on, the part where the paper leans against when it is being fed into the printer, doesn’t even power up with the cord plugged in.
Windows installed drivers for the scanner but no program seems to recognize it. Maybe I need a new program. I am looking at a Photo Editor now because I don’t have the secret number that comes on the old one. Photo Elements. The number was on the sleeve but I don’t know where that is. I can get a 30 day trial of there latest edition but after that it will cost $89. It might be worth it. The one I was working on was version 1, but the latest is 9. So, it’s grown quite a bit. I have never really known that much abuot it. All I knew was how to import documents from my scanner, mostly. It gets very busy at the computer
I ran my Guru Gita tape today and the Yankees won. Wouldn’t you know it? But, I didn’t go to satsang tonight.
Ram says not to take things too seriously. Did I tell you how clean it is at the center? Maybe that’s it or
maybe they don’t know of the blogspot and that keeps us distant. They are all women over there now, it
looks like but they are not for erotic adventure. They are serious. They don’t like social networking either
it seems, none of them are on Facebook. I am not myself very inclined to say, “hey, are you on Facebook?”
I keep my distance, too. The men and women sit on two different sides of the room, you know. They play
at tape we can listen to and chant along with. Some pretty good editing when I was there a week ago. First,
an excerpt from a talk by Gurumayi was played and then some chanting. I believe it was only half of the
chanting disk they have. I know the disks, they run over an hour so they couldn’t have had the talk and the
disk at the same time. They have a high def TV there, too. Pretty cool. It was a nice night. Lots of gold and
yellow hues in the center, a touch of that burnt orange. I worry when I go there. Last time at leas I can
account for the worry dissipating throughout the hour and a half. Usually a night runs from 7:30 P.M. to
I was very involved with my computers tonight trying to set up the router with a new password and to
connect it to the DirecTV system. And as I write it appears I have gotten the On Demand feature working.
Unfortunately I have a devil of a virus or worm on one of my computers. I am running a program to see if
I can get rid of it. Actually, 2 programs, Avast! Antivirus and Malware Bytes. I’ll tell you how that works
out, but right now my corn is done. I’m having some corn on the cob and maybe some instant potatoes tonight.
Still can’t get my DTV to recognize my connection to the Internet. I had some phone problems and I’m thinkiing I may need a long telephone cord to connect to the other telephone outlet. I am able to buy movies though and I have a sport connection that appears uninterrupted.
Reinstalled my router, put a different password and all that on there. Enabled connection sharing. I don’t know what’s wrong.
Either you have relatives or you have nothing at all. I guess this is the feeling young children have. They are visited by these great giants and then they go visit them and it stays in their mind, where they live, what they’re like.
My brother, visiting after mom died, asked me who my favorite relative was. I expected he was after Uncle Al whose diabetes has left him unable to walk anymore. Uncle Al is a great fun loving man with a great sense of humor married to my mom younger sister. Al served in the military during WWII and was even in combat. There is a joke in the family that he won the war. He once said he was in the Polish army because he is of Polish descent and looking at the gigantic photo of him in uniform on the small apartment wall in Greenpoint, N.Y. it was hard to tell if he was in the American army or the Polish one. It was only years later I discovered the problem with a Polish army. So, it was typical of John and I told him my favorite was Aunt Margie, pronounced Mar-Ghee for the most part though Al could call her Marge.
But, I was just thinking about it all here, being alone, unemployed and in a great deal of debt, where had all the friends gone? What happened? I reflect up on it quite a bit. Careers, personal preferences, high standards and I end up with mom and dad for 30 years, no peers, no comrades. Did it just happen to me I wonder because what if I’m talking to someone who is just as stunned by the solitude as I am? Did you friends just up and disappear? Did they ignore you, give you the heave ho? I went to a psychologist, a mental health clinic to speak to the problem and little speaking was done there unless it was about social security and food stamps, going back to school or finding work. After many years I was allowed to speak to what happened in 1977/78 but it was just once every 2 weeks. There was some talk about Gurus and mediation experiences then, but not much about this being alone without fellows my age, without women.
Ram says to think about it will bring it on again. Or I think he says that. It’s hard to just ignore. I have lost many social skills now. Although I have quit smoking and drinking and doing drugs, I can’t make friends very easily. I never have anyone at my house nor do I visit others houses. I have been to official organized places. That seems to be okay, but a private place is off limits.
Is our society more anti-social than ever and did it start in 1977/78?
A fellow on Yankees magazine speaks of his son getting to 14 opening days and he is only 13 and that reminds me of Jimi Hendrix’s song, ” Belly Button Window” in which he laments the conditions of the world and reflects on whether he wants to be a part of it or not. It’s a metaphor.
Do you think a belly button window really exists? Of course not.
Yeah, they call Gainesville a city but that’s really rude to places that deserve the name like Jacksonville, Orlando or Tampa. They and the world famous Miami are the principle cities in Florida. There are no more. Maybe Daytona in that it is bigger than Gainesville and Lauderdale, of course. I’ve seen many towns bigger than Gainesville right here in Florida. Orange Park and Hollywood come to mind. When I stopped at AlterEgo today someone mentioned how hot it was today and it was indeed.
My day started off with getting my computer back from the PC Repair man across the street. Nice guy named Rob. He has a very gentle dog with him, so unlike the barking nuts that live next door to me, Tebow and Sky. Happy with getting my Dell laptop fixed, I brought Rob my Gateway desktop to fix up. I bought a large hard drive for the Gateway one or two years ago and I didn’t put the operating system on it. So, Rob is going to do that for me. He is reasonably priced too.
I went into town after getting the 1420 back and decided I would get my hair cut today. This place that I go to, a Supercuts, usually has rock and roll playing on the radio but today it was country. When the country girl who was at work today started at my hair I was afraid I was going to get a crewcut, but it wasn’t bad. Many cuts are kind of short these days and I think she gave me a pretty good cut for the day.