I am running low on funds, you might say. I need to pay that TV bill, electric and phone, this month. The $200 in food stamps won’t take me too far and I’ve decided I have to sell some of my valuables to pay the rent. I have a set of books by Srila Bhaktivedanta Prabhupada. Recently bought, they cost me $466.50 on 11/23/08. I’m hoping to get $320 for them. I have read them little though maybe I should have. I don’t agree with Prabhupada’s position on abortion and other things. While he opposes abortion he supports the right of the state to execute. I find Krishna, on the other hand, a great powerful concept of God. I was first drawn to Krishna when I read the theories and prophecies of the A.A. Bailey books. The Tibetan, Djwahl Kuhl, speaking through A.A. Bailey wrote of the unity of all religions and compared the Christian concept of Father, Son and the Holy Ghost to the Hindus’ Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. So, Krishna, the chief incarnation of Vishnu became my Jesus, my Christ. Prabhupada doesn’t see it that way, however. The Founder-Acarya of the Hare Krsna movement or the International Society for Krishna Consciousness see Jesus, or Christ as the son of Krishna.
I get little feedback on all this because I believe there is in our nation a trend toward illiteracy. I believe it is actually encouraged by people who don’t like what is written, i.e. the A.A. Bailey books or even the books on Krsna Bhakti. Whenever I mention books like Play of Consciousness by Swami Muktananda or I am That by Swami Satchidananda or Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahamsa Yogananda I am met with ignorance. Reading the obits that the New York Times condescended to publish on the passing of Sathya Sai Baba I realize that even the literate can offer substantial belligerance when the subject of the spiritual master is broached. I’ve seen it before and it is part of what I call a trend toward illiteracy. Prejudice is what it is and illiteracy is always a part of that.
I just wrote a comment on an article at Salon. The article was about vegetarianism and wearing leather. It brought back memories of Imaginary Westerns and hippie breakfasts. Here’s the link.
I was just thinking about those kids who never wrote their newspapers and congressman like I have. They were concerned about the world. It’s a funny thing because they could well have been concerned about themselves. That was discouraged, I don’t know if it was on moral terms or something else. One argument for their having no problems was they smoked pot every day. Odd, isn’t it. Now, you think, that is a problem. I guess the established authorities were having such a problem with their arguments they had to throw that knucklball in there. Things were cool for the kids because they were stoned. Not that mom and dad were trying to hide anything, like how rich they were getting. Let the kids get rich their way. But riches are something of a concern now. Riches and careers and being fired for not being straight enough, for letting that hair grow a little long, for singing sanskrit mantras at work, for carrying a picture of your Guru.
I think now it was so altruistic we were and I kind of hesitate to say we because I often thought my own situation could be improved though I was advocating that the world’s hungry be fed or that corporations be democraticized.
Do you always think of martyrs when you think of the altruistic? Jesus, Gandhi, etc. ? Well, it means to be selfless and what could be more selfless than dying, isn’t that it? Probably not. The yogis say we have a subtle body that continues after death. So, self continues.
I thought I would put this link here at WordPress because I my Facebook page gets all cluttered up. I have been criticized for cluttering up pages but let’s forget about that.
Reflecting on days in the ’80s when my mom and I were classified as shut-ins by the United Methodist Church. I guess it was part of that beggaring situation. Mom participated in a program called Share where you got an allotment of food for a little work. A food co-op in Gainesville operated that wasy in the 70’s. They were embezzlled though in the 80’s and that closed them down. The next co-op in Gainesville that I knew of, Lemongrass, did not require any participation.
I think not using the car won the shut-in label. I had to ask for the car then. I didn’t have a car of my own. My dad wouldn’t/couldn’t fix it and we did not even know a mechanic. Dad had melanoma that kept him from going outside, out in the sun. I got t feeling I had been banned from using the auto so I just stopped asking. Mom had bought a Granada in 1978. It stalled a lot. It had a carburetor defect.
In 1977 I was very interested in a group committed to non-violence called The Ark. It was more advanced than I was ready for. Seems like I don’t know anything about being the rookie in these adventures. I quit before I get very far because I don’t think I’m making progress. I expect somehow I’m supposed to be happy. If I just had something to say to mom that would have been cool, but most of my adventures included a rejection of all parental influences, or so it seemed to me.
I had become a victim of violence that year. I was 24. Maybe that age didnt fit into my victim of violence concept. Maybe the place, North Central Florida didn’t fit. Some local activity enjoyed making my victimization public, but they didn’t want to get into any further details, like how I loved the girl friend of the man who hit me, how I was hot for fame, how I thought bisexuality could help me get that fame and financial support. So, I rejected them and turned to violence myself. I got my revenge on the one who assaulted me. A group like the Ark faded into the distance. I concentrated on Coming One groups. Many expected a Messiah, an Avatar, a Buddha soon to appear. I learned, of course, that he/she must appear in your Heart first, before he appears in the world, but I kept looking for him/her in the world.
I bought a record by the poet, Patti Smith in ’78. She sang the line New Ark. She was from that northeast section of the United States, Jersey, New York, PA, MA, Connecticut, etc. and yet she had a worldly counter cultural fame that would allow her to know of the Ark, that organization committed to advancing the cause of non-violence throughout the world. It was the Easter album. My mind, being full of religious thought, the Christ, the Bodhisattva, Avatars and Swamis found it hard to think maybe the poet was fighting Playboy. No Bunny, you know. The resurrection is a big issue in intellectual circles. Many Catholics say there was no resurrection, a book I read calling itself a revelation says there was no coporeal resurrection but that Christ appeared to his Apostles in a kind of spiritual form, called morontial. I hadn’t heard of or read that book then. Why Easter, I still don’t know, I guess.
When I think of the expression New Ark, I think Knew Ark. I knew of the Ark, that organization committed to non-violence in the late 70’s.
I watched a tape of Adidam Samraj today. Sounded a lot like Ram, but he was hard to take. Even one of his disciples in this Q & A had to speak of reflections of what was in them when they spoke to him about an edge. Yes, that critical thing about Adidam is something within us. You might look at it that way in terms of the competitiveness you see between paths. Adidam says accept him as Master, follow him. It seems they all say the same though some will speak of us all heading to the same place by different roads.
The first take on Adidam when I put the tape in today, The Intelligence of the Heart, was woo, a hard looking man. Later when I couldn’t take anymore of looking at this man, though I consider him a Great man, I reflected on my own situation. He does say he is me and I feel like Ollie in the Oliver and Hardy movies where he says, “Well, this is another fine fix you’ve gotten us into, Stanley.” Adidam stares out determinedly. It is my condition. I have no way out. No team to get the tough outs for me. No one to give me time to take advantage of the possibly renewed economy.
I was part of the counter culture and it looks like that’s what’s going to kill me. Live by the counter cultuer, die by the counter culture. So much hate from the near and dear places. We can’t help you? Have you seen our new car? We can’t help you. You know my son just graduated from Duke. And so it goes.
I wrote my aunt recently. Oh, she thought my mom had taken care of me. How can you take care of someone for life? What mom did was defend me and support me. She was able to keep defending and supporting me after her death but now it’s all gone. Funny, the money didn’t mean anything to anybody. I gave money to politicians and social causes. It looks like just a roulette game now. YOU LOST!!! My candidates didn’t win, in general, Hillary and Alex Sink. So, like suck on that. I give to PRASAD. Part of my credit card charges go to other good social causes, as does my phone. It’s counter culture oriented so naturally all the steady studs out there criticize it as folly. There are businesses too which were helped by my money, vegetarian counters, health food stores, even more middle of the road places where you get coffee, dinner or groceries.
Oh yeah, and BIG OIL got a lot of my money. Jim Cramer and the stock market, they took a bite. Take your “buy Amazon” and shove it, Jim. I had to sell it at a loss. That and Caterpillar – housing never bounce back, Pfizer – no new cancer drug, and even his big timber company which I guess I knew was cutting down trees, The Plum Creek Timber Company, cost me money. Of coure Gold, GLD made money for me and the gold miner, EGO. APPLE also made me a dime, but I mentioned the losses. I don’t know how much I lost and I’m not sure Etrade will compute it for me. That will take a little work.
I had to listen to Cramer and his Mad Money, didn’t I? He was on TV. MNBC. TV is my sin. It’s the first thing every loving family member wants me to shut down. I can’t imagine what they do without it. I know one likes golf, the other, I think it’s his wife. That’s the brothers. I have a sister, too. She has children. She’s in an assisted living apartment in Boston, MA. She doesn’t give budgetary advice. She was one of those wives that the men had to keep in check, always busting “the budget.” My mom and I used to visit the married daughter by her first husband and there were usually arguments about the money. Her husband John was a roofing salesmen, I think, for JM, inc. and also served in the New York National Guard. They picked up garbage during the New York City garbage strike in the 60’s. Barbara still loves that story. John got to be a Major in the Guard but wasn’t allowed a 21 gun salute at his funeral. Barbara wanted that.
I lent Barbara some money to get things out of storage. That was in 2009. She hasn’t paid anything back.
It’s funny how no one has any connections for a counter culture member of their family. I recall the attitude toward this in family get togethers, the sneering, they hate America snide remarks about what such people could do. My polish uncle, once of the best sneerers around, is having trouble with his memory now. Diabetic, and in a wheel chair now, my Aunt Marguerite, not one of the royals herself, has to take care of him and is afraid he will need the nursing “home.” Lately, I’ve been stopping and just saying, the nurse. Mom died in a nursing facility. It wasn’t such a hot place to sleep away her final days. She was mostly asleep then. I didn’t know what to do. I am in many ways still a child, not knowledgeable about how to handle important things. I didn’t sell the house until I was deeply in credit card debt, had no idea where I would live if I left it and knew nothing about the brass tacks of selling. I had to get everything out of the house. They didn’t want any furniture , not even the curtains. I sold the home quick and sold it low. I held on and held on to it for really no good reason. Mom died in January of 2007. The financial stuff was over in about 6 months, so the middle of 2007 was a good time to start sale of the house but I waited until the middle of 2009, thinking in vain that someone would get a break, find a job. Meanwhile, the elections distracted me, my yoga path, sex and love and food.
I remember when mom died I read Baba Muktananda and he said don’t tell people about your problems because their problem were worse. He didn’t say anything like migh be worse, he said it like it was a fact that without doubt other people were in more of a fix than you. Isn’t that strange. Now I read a disciple of his and he says to fill the mind with lightness. It is these thoughts that create the world. So, dark, violent or miserable thoughts create a dark, violent and miserable world. Boy, that’s tough. I’m nearly done with the credit limit of $24,900.00 on my Working Assets credit card. I have a nearly $2,000.00 balance on my Wachovia Credit card. I’m about $50.00 from the limit on it. I sent my brothers spreadsheets when I came to the Max last time on my cards. I also have Sears and JC Penney cards. I am not sure what I can do with them. Last time they helped me fend off the end until I could sell the house. Now, I don’t know even they play by the same rules as they did. I can’t even find my password for the Sears card. I would need it to transfer a balance. I would have to use the telephone. Phones kind of turn me off. The only phone calls I get are from organizations wanting a handout or those online schools that I sometimes tell I would want to continue my education, Phoenix, Devry, etc. I don’t know about them and it appears to late now anyway. My brothers and my nephews and nieces didn’t appreciate the spreadsheets. I still had the house. Not sending spreadsheets this year. I hate Excel.
Today I woke up early. I had gotten to bed late and yet I was awake at 8:30 in the morning. Maybe it was 9:30 but I didn’t want to get up. I did though and made coffee, shaved and brushed my teeth. I remembered I had called my dentist on Friday and I was waiting for them to call me. I guess it was a little before 9 that I got up.
I remember it being very late when I went to bed and I take these melatonins to get me to sleep. So, up though … and at ’em. Called the dentist myself instead of waiting for her to call and we made an appointment for the next day, Tuesday, at 11 a.m. What an interesting start to a day though. It was a good start. I really enjoyed it. I think it was thinking about these girls at the health food store that got me so happy, but then I had read the night before about C.S. Lewis and Screwtape. Something about that was inspiring, lively, and I liked that, too.
I worried about the money I have left and I had to check out exactly how much that was on the Internet, in my online banking. My bank is changing hands from Wachovia to Wells Fargo and it gets a little confusing getting to my account online. I understand it now. I checked out how much money was in the bank and then I went to my credit card with Bank of America through Working Assets and I learned I had a little more money than I thought. I guess that took some stress off of me. I got myself together to go into town. It’s cool out now but it’s going to get hot by the weekend. Nice out. I wore just a short sleeved shirt and my jeans. I took Billy Joel’s CD with me. I only have one. It was the last one before he and Christie Brinkley broke up, River of Dreams. I listened to that on the way into town. I had a mind to get my coffee filters in town and sponges and cups. I like styrofoam cups because then I don’t have to do dishes. I picked those things and a few others up at Publix on 16th ave. Then I went and had coffee at the Starbucks on Newberry Road. That was an interesting experience. I “over” heard that the girls there were going away to college. I guess a position will be open, I thought later. Anyway, some nice girls there. First one I noticed was very tall but attractive. I had the strange idea that her behind was exposed to me. I kept looking but it wasn’t. She had a skirt on. I think she wasn’t used to wearing skirts but rather preferred jeans. An older woman took a call on her cell phone. She spoke kind of loudly. I thought perhaps the cell phone was something new to her or that she was trying to teach me something. I had a sense that the women in the shop would like to meet me. I never use my phone. Presumably, women would be one venue for the phone to take care of. It would be great for a date, no? Where are you? I’m here. Oh, ok, I’ll be right there.
I’m sorry I’m wasting so much money on the darn phone. It’s $39.99 a mo. for me but partly because I send these letters to people in power. I hardly ever read them anymore but I often get letters in the mail from Senators and Congresspeople telling me how they feel on certain issued in response to these letters that are sent in my name. Don’t worry, I am usually in support of the letter’s position. That’s why I pay to have them sent.
I thought a lot about why I dont’ have a job. By the end of the day, after watching the Yankee game I decide it’s because I’m a Yankee fan. Isn’t that ridiculous?
Well, see ya later.