Home > American Culture > What Resume statements really mean.

What Resume statements really mean.

Saw this at the Jobs Forum at Craigslist.org.

Cliché No. 1: “Strong communication, customer service and organizational skills.”
I’m social butterfly and I talk a lot in stead of working.

Cliché No. 2: “Introduced new products.”
I sucked at sales so they gave me things that didn’t sell well anyway.

Cliché No. 3: “Track record of success.”
I was a success in my opinion, but unfortunately not my bosses or I would still be working there.

Cliché No. 4: “Possess leadership, communication, motivational and inspirational skills.”
I don’t do what I’m told. I always argue with my boss and want to do things my own way.

Cliché No. 5: “Exceeded all productivity goals for the department.”
I got sent to the loser division where with a low enough bar even I can make it.

Cliché No. 6: “Go-to person.”
I butt in to everything and think I know it all even when I am clueless.

Cliché No. 7: “Team player.”
I get others to do my work for me.

Cliché No. 8: “Served as company spokesperson.”
I mouth off in public and make the company look bad.

Cliché No. 9: “Partner with others.”
Since I have no skills I hook up with others that do and get them to do all the work while I try and take credit.

Cliché No. 10: “Spoke with existing customers on a daily basis.”
In stead of finding new customers I try to poach customers from my fellow salemen.

Cliché No. 11: “Expert presenter, negotiator and businessperson.”
Yes, I am such an “Expert” that I have never run my own business and have been unemployed to years.

Cliché No. 12: “Managed cross-functional teams.”
When I can’t trick someone from my department into doing my work I try and pawn it off to people in other departments.

Cliché No. 13: “Resolved customer difficulties quickly and tactfully.”
I give them someone else’s name and then hang up on them.

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Categories: American Culture
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