Boy, I’m having some problems with Facebook. I write a status and then it
comes up What’s on your mind? Like it says when you first look at it.
I think the Sweet IM thing, the emoticons thing that only can work with IE
is the problem because when I post without that bar over the status box it
posts okay. So, some problem with that. I wonder if I run Reg Mechanic if
it will correct itself.
I was trying to post one post about my families attractiveness quotient. They
are not doing very good at looking good nor am I. I think it’s the lack of
association with any people. I see a reunion went on up in my old hometown
and I will bet that is the most social contact they saw all year. My own society
has come from coffee shops and suprermarket shopping. What kind of life
is that? I can graft any of the meditators off to go out with me or visit, either.
Does all this go back to the party animal concept? I really never knew of a
party animal although I knew of one fellow accused. He was a very rich friend
of one of my friends. He broke things and sometimes disgusted people. Although
he was rich he was not generous as such except to let us see the fine things like
the expensive apartment and the new BMW . I don’t know how much of an
animal he was as much as I know that kids are obliged to parents to not throw
their money around. It’s they who are rich, after all and not the kids.
So, were you labeled a party animal? Was I? I never had any money. I couldn’t
buy a job. Actually, they used to have agencies that would demand your first
week’s pay. Actually, mom kept me from that. Mom interfered quite a bit in my
getting a job, finding a place, etc. I guess that had to do with the marriage. Billy
was not around and John was raising his SONS in N.Y. There were cousins who
were mostly young. The youngest disappeared and I was left associating with the
drug dealer among them. I liked him but he was older and ran with a dangerous
crowd, I figured. His parents owned a bar and he worked there. His father also
sold drugs and was arrested for a ton he had landed at a local airport. That was
around the time I was banned from commune land. Like I said, I never had any
money so everything was OP’s, other people’s. I had no idea the family could be
so powerful. I should have consulted with my hated father about not getting married.
Sure, then the money would have flowed. Right. He would have understood my
not marrying one of the naked women at the “commune” and helped me out
financially. Right. I guess I was surprised at how much mom was tied up with
him. I guess after all those years of doing everything herself she didn’t need any
trouble like divorce and finding some place to live and the animosity. And his family
everywhere down here. She would have to move away. If she got the house in a divorce
she would have to sell it and get out of town I think. Everywhere. I wonder if that was
my fault, trying to avoid school, I hung around the local area quite a bit, chasing women,
smoking dope and drinking beer. Ram, the meditation teacher, tells me I shouldn’t
dwell on these things in the past. I think I do because society makes such a big deal about
them, the college degree, getting on your own, marrying, having children, keeping a job,
retirement and on and on. It has it all figured out and look at it. It’s going broke like me,
wasting trillions on wars of the billionaires’ choosing.
How can stay in the moment? How can I stop worrying about money and relationships?
That’s been the theme here, money and relationship. I had no money, so no relationship.
The key to sexual gratification in college was buying that good bag of dope, luring a woman
to your apartment or room in the apartment and getting her stoned. What a relationship!
Totally based on intoxication.
I seem to have to sell my Siddha Yoga tapes to make the minimal payments, the
bills, this month. Made me feel my true worth. These tapes have meant so much
to me. No one has really given much of a damn about them trying to turn me away
from this path at every turn. Now, selling the tapes I realize it, they don’t care about
me. I am just a worthless slob to them.
I have some other things beside the Siddha Yoga, still of a Yoga relevance. I have
a complete set of Shri Chaitanya-Charitamrita and the Shrimad Bhagavatam. Can’t
find a buyer. I’ve got the 5 volume Classics of India as well. Many back issues of
Back to Godhead. I’ve got Adidam Samraj’s Dawn Horse Testament and many of
his videotapes. I’m actually quite surprised at how sad it makes me to be having to
sell them. They are what’s important to me.
I have many issues of Darshan magazine as well. The inserts that came with them
I have separated form the mags. I should like to put them back in their appropriate
magazines but that will be quite a lot of work so I’m putting it off. It really brings a
tear to my eye that I have to sell all of this.
I just got a response from a job I applied for as personal assistant. It was interesting.
The employer was a semi professional photographer who is out of the country quite
a bit. It was a part time job, work from home though he said he needed his mail
collected so I’m not sure it’s all at home and he is paying $500 a week. It’s a great
job if you’re up to it. I’m not sure he will want me since I haven’t had a job since 1999
but it gave me some thought about my skills and people’s needs. I am mature, I know
the daily business details of our lives. I would be a great home sitter. I could also sit
kids if I got to know them and liked them.
This is the first response to many applications through Snag a Job, Craigslist and others
that I have had in quite a while. GOD, I need a job. I have to pay phone and electric this
month. I have the rent but those 2 other bills are eluding me.
I was looking for work back in the 70’s. It’s really nothing new. You can ask the NAACP about it, we are not lazy people or stupid thinking that we don’t have to work. We are always looking for work. So this was back in the 70’s, 1977, I believe. I visited one of my best friends an older fellow by one year who has done well with work since he was the H.S. Valedictorian and a basketball star. We were talking about working for the Department of Children and Family, doling out the food stamps and whatever. I didn’t know the operation the way I do today, but my friend had worked there, as had his mother and older brother and he, Tom is his name, asked me if I was a good judge of character and I said something you never say when you interview for work. I said I didn’t think I was. Maybe I didn’t think the job was so good as I had seen these people stuck at their desks for hours on end with no windows and just a desk and some other shit on it, the 2 or 3 chairs, etc. It looks pretty glum. In fact I remember my mom had a pretty glum place to work but at least there was light. She worked in what was called the Engine House at a railroad yard in Long Island City called Sunnyside. Talk about an OXYMORON. There was a bit of sun but few of the working people there were particularly sunny, especially not mom’s husband, my father, who was a foreman in the yard. Anyway, those old wooden rolling chairs, the coffee m akers, the official shit on the walls, etc. really make for a gloomy picture. So, I said I was not a very good judge of character and boy does that seem to have bit me in the ass. Nobody is as they seemed to be anymore. My family is not dependable, my friends are not friendly, and America just isn’t really free anymore. I’m in debt up to my ass and no one is standing up to help me.
Sometimes you look at pictures and they talk to you. No? Gurumayi used to say, “I don’t like books.” This was hard to understand given all the books published by SYDA an organization devoted to Her. Today I realized something in looking over my Krsna books. I am reading a lot about Shiva in the books and they have some beautiful “plates,” or paintings depicting episodes of the book. Reading them kind of sharpens up my senses and makes my mind a bit more keen. I have had difficulty in that respect because the Krsna religion/yoga opposes liberal causes like abortion and, of course demands those 4 austerities of no drugs, alcohol or caffeine, no sex except for procreation, and I’ve forgotten the others. What I have failed to realize is that Gurumayi speaks for herself. She is speaking naturally of those great saints who said God is not in a book, as Rumi’s friend Shams said, but more so on a personal level I see that she is talking about me. I like books and the books of the Krsna Yoga society are very fine. Haven’t you ever liked a Bible? They are so big sometimes and full of special details, paintings, indexes. This is the thing. I am attracted to that fine presentation in these Krsna books. There is no need for me to join the International Society for Krsna Consciousness over this.
I had another great realization this morning but I’ve forgotten it.
I guess I lost my brother to Elvis. I took on the Beatles in 1969. Bought the White Album and
saw brother Bill no more. They were some great years though, from 5 to 17.
I grew my hair and he cut his short. When he told me his fiance liked Johnny Mathis I guess that meant she preferred him to the Beatles. It gets that angry, you know. Worse than Mets/Yankees.