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No Electric

Well now what am I going to do? No electric. The landlady is chomping at the bit for me to get out. I have no auto insurance to drive the van, will have to look out for police if I do.

The landlady says I can just go to Salvation Army. I didn’t know that. I called them for financial help but not every day like Champions Heart told me to. I have lost the number. I thought it was on the phone but nobody  answers to the number I have.

Lucky it’s warm now. I feel like all the wrong is my fault and that I have not been wronged in any way so who am I to ask for help. I know what I did. What was it? What did I do? Actually I don’t know. Was I too radical. I never did any violence. Did I? Did I do violence to someone? And is that what it’s all about, my doing violence? Perhaps I got someone to do violence for me, to defend me and my person. Was that wrong? I was in danger. I need someone’s help and someone gave it to me. Was it wrong? should I have suffered more violence from that one I feared? I read in Baba’s Satsang with Baba that you read of these saints who suffered violence and died. He said he was not one of the. He said he would pick up a stick and let the fellow know he would not suffer this violence. I think that is what I did essentially.

I feel guilty though for having invoked Gandhi throughout. Well, he was naturally someone I looked up to. I did not know I was to be his personal representative in rock and roll land or whatever country I was living in then. So, violence. You don’t mind it as long as you don’t get hurt. Let the other suffer the pain.

I went home to my parent. My mom. I lived there and stayed there for 31 years. I lived in her home for 2 years after she died. Now I have nothing but the relatives she left, her survivors. I have friends who have been and are hard to find. What to do? What to do?

 

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