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“You must be rich”

I really resent people, who informed of a bill I am paying and seeing that I pay it in full, say, “you must be rich.” I am not by any means rich and I think this is a ruse to have me acting like I am. I believe this impedes my progress in the job market, although it is always said that employers do not hire on the basis of need but on qualifications. I believe a little bit of both are required.
So many people are inclined to hide their worth. Mom was always on the skids though I believe she felt that way because it was unfair that she had to support me. They (the business community, I suppose) penalized her for flaws they found in me. Even in Mental Health sessions it was never offered to me that they wished to unburden mom, it was just that it should be that I worked and they were going to fix that. They never did. The connections that Alachua County Mental Health Clinic offered I only finally took advantage of in 1998.
I’m not sure why I was at ACMHC because my mother got me into it. Nobody said why I was there except that I was having a little difficulty. It was some advantage of her senior citizenship to have me go there for counseling. She didn’t have to pay as far as I know. Somehow I have always done better where mom has had to pay instead of the government. My only example is Santa Fe Community College in 1972. Something about the government paying affects me. I believe there is some suggestion involved there.
People who resent government aid became a big part of my life in 1970 when we moved to Florida, dad’s home state. Dad’s people resented helping hippies, negroes, hispanics, women and what all. In American mythology the idea of one paying one’s own way and becoming successful is romanticized. When you go to college and someone else pays you realize there is something different about you. You are a subclass. My father reveled in that. It allowed him to be vulgar and prejudiced. They were giving everything to the goddam nigger he always said. He was unconcerned that they were giving something to me and he always said it was he who was putting me through school. He gave me an old ’64 Falcon painted Navy khaki to drive to school while I lived with him and, as an afterthought, mom. Why not do all you could with the help of the Fed to make me successful. Why penalize me, as I think he was doing, for smoking the pot that every kid was smoking, wearing the long hair that every kid was wearing and not being home for days as every college kid isn’t? It was more important that he made his argument than that I succeed. Everyone in his family thinks I had enough. When I graduated from Santa Fe Community College I was given a ’68 Biscayne Chevrolet that overheated constantly. That was in 1974. For graduating high school and community college and knowing I was in trouble at the 4 year school having gotten on academic probation before I went to SFCC, you might have thought a new car would be my reward. Some economy model Some talk of that was about but I had to find a job in order to get a car. That’s what mom said. A Maverick was mentioned, a Javelin. This was under Nixon and one of the worst recessions we had ever seen. That was just “tough.” My father smoked Camels. He was a tough guy. The foreman in a railroad yard before he retired in 1969. He was the Master Mechanic in that yard and he extended this role to changing the oil in my car. I was like a baby. I couldn’t take care of my own car which wasn’t in my name but his to save on insurance. I knew how to change tires but I was too paper chase to get under a car and get my hands full of black oil, dispense of the oil and put new oil in. It was my step-brother Bill who taught me to change a tire. I learned little about cars from dad. Dad’s cars were always Falcons since 1963. We had a green ’51 Chevy before that. He bought another Falcon in ’65 and later he bought a Falcon for mom, he boasted, in ’66. He had no kind words for LBJ who had ushered in an era of prosperity that obviously my father was taking advantage of. He voted for Goldwater
I used to get rides and constantly hang around with my step-brother Bill who liked better cars. Bill’s first new car was a red 1965 Chevy Impala convertible. Bill loved convertibles and he like to customize his cars with skirts, antennaes, and sound machines. He dropped out of school to go to work so he could buy a car. His first car was a gray Oldsmobile, the second a ’54 black Mercury convertible, the third a red ’58 Chevy convertible. They were all used. It didn’t seem like it had been too long ago that Bill and I had discussed a Dune Buggy, but moving down south I didn’t get to see too much of my big brother and his influence was not much respected except by teachers and others who offered me counsel back in the early 70’s.
Oh, what was all this about? You must be rich! Yeah, rich, so I don’t need a job. When I talk about a job with these people they ask about work experience. They have no respect for education and are quick to point out to me you can’t get anything with a B.A. these days, knowing I don’t even have a B.A. but only and A.A.
With friends like these ….

Where did the money go?

February 27, 2010 Leave a comment

I checked my checking account today and noticed I didn’t have as much as I thought I did. It worried me.
On other fronts I have been doing better these days. I’ve been exercising for a few days and I’ve been optimistic about the future thanks to Gurumayi and some new singers I’ve discovered, Deva Premal and Jaya Lakshmi.
I attended Mahashivaratri earlier this month, the night of Shiva when every repetition of his name is a thousand times more important than ordinarily. Considering that his name is like Ram’s, whose name need be repeated only once to wash away all sins, I can’t imagine the value chanting on Mahashivaratri is.
I enjoyed going to the center that I have attended in years. Is that what one does with a center, attend it? I ‘m not sure. It may not give you exactly what you think you want.
I invested some money in the stock market and that turned out to be a mistake. Everything is down except Apple and I only have 5 shares of it.
Anyway, I don’t have the money I thought I did in the bank account and it doesn’t look like that job I optimistically hoped for is panning out. There was a job cleaning a parking lot that looked a little good but I’m nearly 57 years old and I thought that might be kind of tough. Is that OK? Can I think things may be too tough for me?
And it doesn’t look like I have anymore gift givers in my family, like mom was. I’m a great hindrance to the whole family. I’m like the ONE that hasn’t made it. The irony is that it was loving the ONE that helped put me here. I wanted to follow the Guru. I wanted to meditate. This upset both the traditional get a job workaholics as well as the rock and roll drug addicts that I sometimes called my friends.
My friends were all able to get jobs. They were able to graduate college. They didn’t do anything stupid like skip classes in their first quarter at the University. I skipped and I failed. I failed GYM. I have heard some people ask how can somebody fail gym. Well, just miss more than 3 classes and you fail.
I had a 1.2 GPA in my first quarter. Hey but I was a wild and woolly radical. REVOLUTION!!! but a peaceful one. I wasn’t violently inclined.
I’m thinking a job would be like a miracle for me and I am not believing in miracles. The more you believe the more you are ridiculed for believing because miracles don’t happen, or aren’t happening.
At one time in my life I might have thought a girl friend and sex were miracles, but I came across them, thought they weren’t as often and as special as I would have liked. I mean the friend often and the sex special.
So, just a little worried now and I didn’t want to put it on Facebook. I just joined Weight Watchers and I have learned about triggers that make us eat. I guess seeing that you have a few thousand less than you thought you did in your bank account could be one of those triggers.
There was such a nice girl in the health food store, Mother Earth Market, tonight.

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Upgrade

February 14, 2010 Leave a comment

I upgraded my laptop to Win7.
I’m having trouble with my y key and it looks like that’s complicated to fix. I have to hook up a keyboard and see if the problem is the physical keyboard rather than the software. I’ve had keyboard problems on a laptop before that were software problems.
Aah, darn it! The Gators lost again. They have to do something about the balance between their defense and offense. Looks like some guys are strictly offense and some strictly defense. It would be nice if Shipman could drop an outside shot in there and of course Dan. I think it is something in the mind. They have to fight the very idea that because you are good on defense you aren’t good on offense and vice versa. Such exceptional play on defense tonight by Werner and Shipman. I think Shipman is closer to bagging the shot than Werner. Erik Murphy also showed good pla at both ends. I suppose the worry there is Erik isn’t as big as some inside guys. He does have a nice shot and he can get after a rebound too, but he doesn’t show much muscle and fight like Macklin and Tyus. Alex seems to be slacking off. He was pretty hot a few games ago. He’s not making the little jumper anymore. Macklin put in a few hooks tonight. Boynton missed a lot of 3’s and didn’t steal a ball. He looks really fast but I don’t know how much control he has over that ball. Walker seems to have better control but I see opponents getting at the ball and he has to regain it.
Threw the ball away at a key moment tonight. I forget, was it Dan on the inbounds. Walker made a move and Dan, or Erik, threw it to where he “was.”
I really get into the games. I have followed the Gators for years. I am often seeing my own experience and theirs in a mesh. I guess it is living through the team. Vicarious pleasure. I do mantra and so forth during the game and my mind makes me believe it helps. Taurean Green really responded to a good Krsna mantra. Specifically, Krsna Krsna Krsna Krsna Krsna Krsna Krsna He, Krsna Krsna Krsna Krsna Krsna Krsna Krsna He, Krsna Keshava Krsna Keshava Krsna Keshava Paahi Maam.
I forget how the mantra actually went.
I remember Krsna was better than Shiva.
The image of Krsna is of quickness and power which obviously to athletes is of value and his stories are full of such values. Shiva, is a large powerful being. It is said he has Iron Limbs, so sometimes he is good for the defense and to slow things down. Sometimes I have found it good to slow myself down when I get a little amped up about a game.
I’m a needing to get a sound system with my plasma TV.
I’m thinking again about the Guru. I remember Ram Butler saying that Baba told him to teach people about the Guru. Such things as winning games or another small miracle, finding things, are just parlor tricks the Guru has told us. Even reading minds, that’s because the Guru is on a par with Jesus. Right wing Christians reject this idea for all they are worth and I really get scared presenting the idea although I am often pressed to bring it up. Who is she, I am asked. My brother asked me who Gurumayi was. I have a brother who is 8 1/2 years older than me and I sent him Play of Consciousness on Xmas years ago. I guess it was just some shit or with luck one of the sons got it and made it their own. I have no idea why I was sending him the latest version of the book anyway.
Like talking to a wall. That’s the thing. You tell them about the Guru or the Urantia Book but it goes in one ear and out the other.

On My Own

January 29, 2010 Leave a comment

I often take delight in being on my own now. It was wonderful how much mom left me to live on and I have enjoyed it, I admit.
Still, I will have to work.
I worried a lot since so much was bound up in the house. I was not educated about things like real estate and finance and so I didn’t do things as they probably should have been done. I didn’t know how much work selling the house would be. I forget why I hesitated on the home. I ran up m credit card debt. Sold all the stock that mom had, cashed in her bonds.
The first real estate agent that I finally contacted told me I would have to clean up the house. A single fellow can really mess up a house and that’s what I was after mom died. It seemed so dramatic to sell the house. My mom used to make grave comments about when my father’s mother died and his little brother sold it. The will had said I was to have the house to live in but mom had thought she would have more money when she died. Had I been able to get or hold a job she might have, but politics got involved and I quit my part time job at Santa Fe and I was never able to get another. Then teachers there thought I was trouble so I was not inclined to go back.
I had a problem with thinking getting a job would make President Bush look good. It should just make me look good but politicians like him like to take the credit for anything good that happens. If you happen to follow a Guru the credit certainly does not belong to her, or him. He or She has nothing to do with the world. He or She is all about the afterlife to Christians and Jews and Muslims. I think even Hindus and Buddhists might go along with that considering all those lives you have to live before you find heaven.
Getting off the subject. Mom always said what was hers was mine but I never felt that way. I always asked politely for things. I even snuck around a bit to get things I wanted like subscriptions to erotic web sites or things I needed to make the computer fast.
It’s great to walk around my own place in a state of undress and fantasize about having women over. I think about fellows, too.
My own place. I never had it. We never could afford it.

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Conversion

January 11, 2010 Leave a comment

Brit Hume called on Tiger Woods to convert to Christianity claiming that religion was more compassionate and merciful than Buddhism, which Hume claimed was known to be Woods’ religion.
Woods a Buddhist? I’ve never heard that before.
I have a little cap I bought from Tricycle with Om Mani Padme Hum written in Pali on it. I wonder why Tiger has nothing like that. I never see Tiger fingering any beads or sitting with his eyes closed before a hole or even before a match.
He never speaks of Buddha or Buddhism at a news conference. It is a better known fact that Richard Gere is a Buddhist. He has fought for Tibetan independence for years and I believe I see Buddhist themes in his movies.
I have followed Siddha Yoga for years and I am often seen with beads in my hand, on my wrist or around my neck. My disagreeable brother called my rudraksha mala a rosary when I visited him in the 90’s for one of his sons’ college graduation.
In Siddha Yoga they chant a long sacred text called the Guru Gita. I’ve chanted it quite a bit. I get no questions about it unless they have an undercurrent of criticism. I get very little open minded, liberal comment on my practices nor the texts that are read in Siddha Yoga.
Even should you go to a Hare Krsna Center where they are know to desire to convert all of us to Krishna Consciousness, you will hear only the most simple arguments against Kasmir Shaivsm the highest philosophy according to Siddha Yoga.
There is an argument in my mind all the time between the dualistic Krishna devotees and the monist Siddhas. Pity is there is so much emotion, so many avenues of argument and so little attention given to the arguments. In Bhaktivedanta Prabhupada’s books you will hear the impersonalists compared to Buddhists. Buddhists reject the Vedas as the ultimate source but impersonalist accept them. The problem is according to Prabhupada is they have misinterpreted the Vedas.
Add to this our Judeo-Christian civilization where there is no moral problem with eating meat and repeated birth and death are rejected as a fact of existence. A new book, the Urantia Book, embraces this refutation of reincarnation as well as astrology but agrees that Jesus did not, as many of the Gurus, Avatars and Swamis say, teach of a God of wrath and vengeance.
Now, I have also read of a Bodhisattva called Tara. She is even called a Goddess in some circles. She is said to be form of Kuan Yin whose statue graces a pond where swans swim in Shree Muktananda Ashram.
I have tried in so many ways to get those TV and politician people to go up there and give me some news about it but no one will. So, who really are they to talk about conversion and who has mercy and who doesn’t?
There are many things that cause us stress in our daily life. Maybe a thing like time and eternity which I wrote about in a previous post helps us. Siddha Yoga offered me that. I was thinking about it again and my mind offered me this, “I am doing well now. I am not worried about a dollar at this very instant but that time will come if you don’t get a job. Where is time and eternity then?”
Some people just want a hard time. That’s what Gurumayi says. My mom used to call myself and my old man prophets of doom, although dad and I had very different opinions about the world.
I was the rock and roller. Many of us do have some very dim views of the future and of the world. Conservatives spoke of liberal paranoia in 2004. Any kind of paranoia is naturally a problem. Is it paranoia to be suspicious when right wing Christians enter a discussion with long haired hippies about God? Every kind of suspicion is called paranoia. I think I should have been suspicious when my mom linked the words Freemasons and Brotherhood. So many years later and after both my mom and dad have died I wonder if mom was trying to tell me the kinds of conversations she and dad had in private. He was ignorant enough to call his Shrine brotherhood.
Rock and roll expressed its apathy in 1972 when Ten Years After sang, “I’d love to change the world, but I don’t know what to do. So I’ll leave it up to you.” Was that really apathy or a comment on how things are. As young people we weren’t trusted to run things. We didn’t know what to do was the opinion of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. So we left it up to them. Did they change the world?

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Time and Eternity

January 10, 2010 Leave a comment

I have a picture of my mom on my wall at my place. It makes me think of death and being. Mayi and Baba are also on my walls so they also make me think of such things.
One of the Siddhas written about in DARSHAN said, “Time and Eternity, if there is a difference the difference is in thee.” This belief in a difference is what makes us afraid of death. Death is the end of time. I guess Christianity has gone a little farther and given us the end of the world.
In verse 105 of the Guru Gita it says, “Oh, Parvati, the Guru protects one ir one is cursed by sages, snake demons, or even Gods, and also fears one from the fear of time and death.” In the next verse it goes on to say, “Surely, Gods and others are powerless, as also the sages are powerless; being cursed by the Guru they soon perish. There is no doubt of it.”
Aren’t these some powerful words of faith?
On Wanda Sykes show tonight I heard one of the stars of Harold and Kumar escape Guantanamo Bay, Neil Patrick Harris, condone profiling and then went on to talk about Muslims chanting mantras. Very few Muslims do chant mantras though they do recite names of Allah. Indeed those who recite such mantras as the Sufis do are less likely to harbor ill will toward the West.
I don’t believe in profiling simply in that it’s a kind of watered down love as Bob Dylan put it. We don’t believe in those things in America. You can’t search people just because they are Muslim any more than you can audit people just because they are Italian, as in the arrests of famous members of the Cosa Nostra as it was once known. You can’t suspect every Irish person just because of Irish Revolutionary Army. Looking suspicious is a better reason and you know the problems with that. There are many levels of looking suspicious.
A lot of us who embraced the idealism of Woodstock and find ourselves unemployed and struggling know this feeling of being suspicious. Sometimes it may have even been a game but I doubt any of us would have protested if we had been profiled for work. Sounds like affirmative action which is so unpopular. We want to give the underprivileged some work. We want them to grow and flourish as people and as a people. Profiling is a kind of reverse affirmative action, isn’t it? Except that it is just for Muslims in the case of terrorism. Of course all this was only on The Wanda Sykes Show. It was hard for her to consider given the media blitz, I guess, concerning some new terrorist threat that went undetected and airports that are not enforcing new codes, something I’ll bet their passengers appreciated, that more people than Muslims want to raise a little Hell. Remember Tim McVeigh or David Koresh? Who were those survivalists who stoke CBS’s and Chris Wallace’s camera in the mountains out west. I don’t remember them meeting the ugly fate that Koresh and his followers did.
You know those things happened in the Democratic, Clinton administration. That’s something to think about. Obama has to think about those attacks as well as the Muslim ones. I do wonder if our obsession with traditional Christianity doesn’t have something to do with the rise of Muslim terrorism. I’m not talking about Moses David but can anyone consider Jesus and John the Baptist at literate preachers of Judaism? I have read that they were and that Jesus didn’t walk on the water. My Urantia Book never made it to Steven Spielberg’s library, I guess, or touched the life of Mel Gibson.
Nor have any of the Media Moghuls ever read my Autobiography of a Yogi or Play of Consciousness or chapters of the Shrimad Bhagavatam and little Buddhism.
Ah, what’s a matter, me?
Wasn’t’ this about the Guru?

The Nixon Years

January 5, 2010 Leave a comment

Looking back, really the Nixon years were better for me than any others.
Of course it helped a little that he was forced to resign, I had a nice year in ’75.
But, 1976 and 1977 and the following decade really sucked.
In those years, Nixon’s years, I finished high school and community college. The unfortunate thing and the seed of the misery in the years to follow were missing some classes at the university in 1971.
I go to the classes, I pass the semester and stay off probation and maybe I graduate when I return in 1974. But, I was put on probation and I never got off. Academic probation, they call it. Poor scholarship it says on the transcript.
This message was approved by those who like me not to say much, that is, keep my big mouth shut.

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