Maxing Out …

I watched a tape of Adidam Samraj today. Sounded a lot like Ram, but he was hard to take. Even one of his disciples in this Q & A had to speak of reflections of what was in them when they spoke to him about an edge. Yes, that critical thing about Adidam is something within us. You might look at it that way in terms of the competitiveness you see between paths. Adidam says accept him as Master, follow him. It seems they all say the same though some will speak of us all heading to the same place by different roads.

The first take on Adidam when I put the tape in today, The Intelligence of the Heart, was woo, a hard looking man. Later when I couldn’t take anymore of looking at this man, though I consider him a Great man, I reflected on my own situation. He does say he is me and I feel like Ollie in the Oliver and Hardy movies where he says, “Well, this is another fine fix you’ve gotten us into, Stanley.” Adidam stares out determinedly. It is my condition. I have no way out. No team to get the tough outs for me. No one to give me time to take advantage of the possibly renewed economy.

I was part of the counter culture and it looks like that’s what’s going to kill me. Live by the counter cultuer, die by the counter culture. So much hate from the near and dear places. We can’t help you? Have you seen our new car? We can’t help you. You know my son just graduated from Duke. And so it goes.

I wrote my aunt recently. Oh, she thought my mom had taken care of me. How can you take care of someone for life? What mom did was defend me and support me. She was able to keep defending and supporting me after her death but now it’s all gone. Funny, the money didn’t mean anything to anybody. I gave money to politicians and social causes. It looks like just a roulette game now. YOU LOST!!! My candidates didn’t win, in general, Hillary and Alex Sink. So, like suck on that. I give to PRASAD. Part of my credit card charges go to other good social causes, as does my phone. It’s counter culture oriented so naturally all the steady studs out there criticize it as folly.  There are businesses too which were helped by my money, vegetarian counters, health food stores, even more middle of the road places where you get coffee, dinner or groceries.

Oh  yeah, and BIG OIL got a lot of my money. Jim Cramer and the stock market, they took a bite. Take your “buy Amazon” and shove it, Jim. I had to sell it at a loss. That and Caterpillar – housing never bounce back, Pfizer – no new cancer drug, and  even his big timber company which I guess I knew was cutting down trees, The Plum Creek Timber Company, cost me money. Of coure Gold, GLD made money for me and the gold miner, EGO. APPLE also made me a dime, but I mentioned the losses. I don’t know how much I lost and I’m not sure Etrade will compute it for me. That will take a little work.

I had to listen to Cramer and his Mad Money, didn’t I? He was on TV. MNBC. TV is my sin. It’s the first thing every loving family member wants me to shut down. I can’t imagine what they do without it. I know one likes golf, the other, I think it’s his wife. That’s the brothers. I have a sister, too. She has children. She’s in an assisted living apartment in Boston, MA. She doesn’t give budgetary advice. She was one of those wives that the men had to keep in check, always busting “the budget.” My mom and I used to visit the married daughter by her first husband and there were usually arguments about the money. Her husband John was a roofing salesmen, I think, for JM, inc. and also served in the New York National Guard. They picked up garbage during the New York City garbage strike in the 60’s. Barbara still loves that story. John got to be a Major in the Guard but wasn’t allowed a 21 gun salute at his funeral. Barbara wanted that.

I lent Barbara some money to get things out of storage. That was in 2009. She hasn’t paid anything back.

It’s funny how no one has any connections for a counter culture member of their family. I recall the attitude toward this in family get togethers, the sneering, they hate America snide remarks about what such people could do. My polish uncle, once of the best sneerers around, is having trouble with his memory now. Diabetic, and in a wheel chair now, my Aunt Marguerite, not one of the royals herself, has to take care of him and is afraid he will need the nursing “home.” Lately, I’ve been stopping and just saying, the nurse. Mom died in a nursing facility. It wasn’t such a hot place to sleep away her final days. She was mostly asleep then. I didn’t know what to do. I am in many ways still a child, not knowledgeable about how to handle important things. I didn’t sell the house until I was deeply in credit card debt, had no idea where I would live if I left it and knew nothing about the brass tacks of selling. I had to get everything out of the house. They didn’t want any furniture , not even the curtains. I sold the home quick and sold it low. I held on and held on to it for really no good reason. Mom died in January of 2007. The financial stuff was over in about 6 months, so the middle of 2007 was a good time to start sale of the house but I waited until the middle of 2009, thinking in vain that someone would get a  break,  find a job. Meanwhile, the elections distracted me, my yoga path, sex and love and food.

I remember when mom died I read Baba Muktananda and he said don’t tell people about your problems because their problem were worse. He didn’t say anything like migh be worse, he said it like it was a fact that without doubt other people were in more of a fix than you. Isn’t that strange. Now I read a disciple of his and he says to fill the mind with lightness. It is these thoughts that create the world. So, dark, violent or miserable thoughts create a dark, violent and miserable world. Boy, that’s tough. I’m nearly done with the credit limit of $24,900.00 on my Working Assets credit card. I have a nearly $2,000.00 balance on my Wachovia Credit card. I’m about $50.00 from the limit on it. I sent my brothers spreadsheets when I came to the Max last time on my cards. I also have Sears and JC Penney cards. I am not sure what I can do with them. Last time they helped me fend off the end until I could sell the house. Now, I don’t know even they play by the same rules as they did. I can’t even find my password for the Sears card. I would need it to transfer a balance. I would have to use the telephone. Phones kind of turn me off. The only phone calls I get are from organizations wanting a handout or those online schools that I sometimes tell I would want to continue my education, Phoenix, Devry, etc. I don’t know about them and it appears to late now anyway. My brothers and my nephews and nieces didn’t appreciate the spreadsheets. I still had the house. Not sending spreadsheets this year. I hate Excel.