Entry for August 29, 2008

Mayi gave a talk called, “What is the texture of our striving?” in which she spoke about failure and directed her comments to those of us who have experimented with life or in life, if you will.
She spoke about the doer. It’s the concept of the doer that makes us think we have failed or succeeded. We are not the doer. The Lord is the performer of all actions that is why when we do seva we try to not think of ouselves as the doer.
You might say seva is the practice of not thinking of ourselves as the doer rather than something like doing volunteer work for the Guru.
And if you don’t you will be shot.

Entry for August 29, 2008

I was just crazy for this book The Cult of Tara back in ’78.
Seems to me it was ’79.
I was nuts over books then but it was too expensive.
Mom didn’t like me buying books.
Today I stopped into Books-A-Million and I immediately gravitated to the “new age” and philosophy section. I ended up purchasing what I think is a famous book by a Catholic philosopher, Thomas à Kempis.
It was called The Inner Life.
I didn’t notice it mentioned in Wikipedia.

Entry for August 23, 2008

I made the most wonderful juice this morning, mango, apples, grapes, pineapple, bananas and raspberries.
Oh my God was it delicious!!!

Speaking of the Deity, I read a bit from a DARSHAN magazine, one of the later ones, the ones that were smaller and less expensive than the originals.

There was a talk by Mayi and she was speaking about doing. The title of the talk was, “What is the texture of our striving?”
She was very sensitive discussing problems with failure and experimentation and I really related to that. She was discussing not being the doer. We take so much pride in the things we do although indeed it is the one inside us who is the doer. We take credit for the good things and consider some of the things we do to be bad and yet they are all the doings of the Lord.

I’m not copying the talk now I just remember some and know the philosophy a little bit. I think the doing by the Lord are called the karmendriyas. I might look that up. I’ll do that on the Net as I am long past the paging through the books and looking up things in indexes. I did a lot of that some years ago. You could call it the late 70’s and the 80’s. TV and the Net destroyed a lot of that but so did chanting and the Intensives. Oh and Her videotapes.

In fact she was discussing these things on a videotape I have in which she discussed the Bhagavad Gita. A lot about renunciation. People came to Baba, she said wanting to renounce, become swamis. I understood that perfectly. I wanted something like that. So many people applied to become swamis. She says though that something special is necessary to this renunciation. She speaks of three types of renunciation in the tape which correspond to the three gunas, tamas, rajas and sattva.

Oh, boy, that juice was so good.

I have also been experimenting with some Indian simmer sauces. I brown up my Veat. Then I add the sauce.
It’s simple. I’ve been trying to put some vegetables like cauliflower and broccoli, red, yellow and green pepper and maybe a slice of Vidalia onion. Last time I made it I used coconut oil which is supposed to be the only good saturated fat oil, it doesn’t clog the arteries, and I put a bit of this hot curry powder I got at an Indian Grocery in, then I added the cauliflower and broccoli. Later I added the peppers and onions.
It came out ok.

Back to that juice. I put the mango throught the Jack LaLanne Juicer. First I had to remove the pit. I put one half of the mango with the peel though the juicer and I was unsure if that would be bitter because I have had watermelon rind through the juicer that was exaclty that. So the other half I peeled. I put grapes in, pulling them from the stems but otherwise putting them in whole, and the pineapple I just cut in sections and I put a thick slice of pineapple through the juicer. All this stuff was full of pulp and there was not much juice to look at so I added apples. I had to add 3 or 4 apples to give a juicy feel. Then I poured all that into my Cuisinart Mixer.
I had bought this Cuisinart Mixer for my mom for Xmas. It was much more than what she wanted. She wanted a simple mixer that she could make her smoothies in because hers had stopped working. So, I bought this $90 mixer and I don’t think either one of us could figure out how to use it. All I ever did was make ice with it. Mom apparently didn’t like big fancy machines because I remember when Kathleen gave her a food processor called LaMachine and she didn’t like it. I loved the thing and I half thing mom was trying to get my goad because I feel now that I really didn’t express my feelings very well for mom. I was afraid of being thrown out and having to live on my own which would be a very bad scene for me.
I used to make Baba Muktananda’s Savory Cereal with La Machine. The recipe required chopping onions and tomatoes and La Machine did that exquisitely. Maybe mom just hated France or the French, I don’t know. She didn’t think she needed La Machine and she brought to an auction her women’s club was having and let them auction it off.
Mom was a little bit “off” that way. That’s what she said I knew about her whenever she went to bed. Well, I’m off, she said, but you know that don’t you? That was for bed, in her shopping days she used to say, “I shall return!”

I remember that I came to saying goodbye instead of goodnight when mom would go to bed. I think it was in the 80’s. I later repented of the saying feeling that going to bed was nothing like going away – or dying.
My brother Bill used to yen for my father to die and somehow I came upon that myself and so the concept of death lingered about the house throughout 2, maybe 3 decades. I have learned now that we have a lot to learn about death. Most of us ignore it. That’s the thrust of Baba’s, “Does Death Really Exist.” I used to wonder, even though I had turned its pages to the end, what exactly was he asking me. Was he saying there was no death? No, I have found out, he is saying there is indeed death and you had better get ready for it.

In light of that statement it’s good to read Gurumayi saying not to get all hung up about and stressed out as people on the path are prone to do. I will meditate, I will chant, she says. It reminded me of when I was in school and I was so disappointed in my grades and how I was doing. I had missed things and there was no way to study those things once the grades were over when there were no teachers. I especially regret not learning the table of elements to sufficient degree. I was so hung up on baseball then. That’s when Mickey Mantle won his last MVP, 1964. Science and the science project were just not my strong suit.

Be kind to yourself, Mayi said.

Entry for August 16, 2008

I sold my car today. Now I won’t have to pay that insurance anymore.

My friend Michelle came over to photograph and list the things we would like to sell on Ebay.

She was here for about 4 hours. Her and her 7 year old Hopey.
Hopey’s about to start the third grade.

Entry for August 16, 2008

I’ve had a terrible cold the past few days.
And I have to bring my car back to the transmission man because according to my oil change man a “cuff” was cut when he put in the new transmission.
Apparently has something to do with the axle. The transmission man says he has to put it up on a lift but his lift is out in the open and he can’t use it when it rains.
So I have to bring it to him and leave it. Enlisted my big brother’s help again for that detail.

Entry for August 13, 2008

Here is a little interaction I had with CREDO mobile who gives me my mobile phone service through the auspices of Sprint.
It made me think how inward and uncommunicative I am. I recall a psychiatrist many years ago asking, “How do we talk?”
I’ve been all around that question but I have totally avoided the truth that I am not a talker. I’m the silent type. I just seldom have anything to say.
I see now how it has made me suffer. In this case, I am unable to get the cheaper phone service because I don’t want to talk on the telephone.

Dear Mr. Bryan:

First we’d like to thank you for your 11 years and 6 months of continued
support. With the support of customers like you, we’ve donated over $60
million to progressive causes.

Thank you for your e-mail.

In reviewing your account I see that the e-mail address that we have on
file for you now is eddiebryan@windstream.net. If you need to make a
change to this, please contact us at the customer service number below.

Although it is not listed on our web site, we do have an emergency plan
for $19.99 per month plus tax. It provides 20 peak time minutes per
month and 20 night and weekend minutes per month with a 9:00 PM night
and weekend start time. Additional minutes are $0.45 per minute. I am
sorry that this information was unavailable on our website. To make a
plan change please contact us at the customer service number.

Yes, we have made some changes to our website this year. I am glad to
hear that you now see where to pay your bill at
www.credomobile.com/billing. Thank you for the payment that you have
already mailed to us. I apologize for any inconvenience that these
changes may have caused.

If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to email
me directly. Or call us at 1-800-411-0848 and a friendly customer
service representative will assist you. Our phones are staffed 5am-8pm
Monday-Friday and 7am-5pm Saturday-Sunday (PST). Or go to
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Customer Relations
CREDO Mobile

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—–Original Message—–

Posted At: Saturday, July 19, 2008 8:43 PM
Posted To: Susan J
Conversation: website, your letter.
Subject: website, your letter.

Dear CREDO,
This is in regard to the letter you sent me at my gmail account,
ebryan2007@gmail.com.
I am sorry I am having some trouble with the e-mail client I
registered with you. How do I change the e-mail?
Also, I do not see any play available for $19.99 and I also do not
see a way to change my plan.
I do see a way to pay my bill. I have however already sent a check
by postal mail.
The site seems to have changed quite a bit in this one year.

Entry for August 12, 2008

I have the worst cold today. I took some old Drixoral that’s been sitting around here for God knows how long and it didn’t seem to do much so I took some Sudafed for cough and cold a while ago. I thought I had a little hay fever but it seems to be a full blown cold now.

I’m taking soup and tea, too.

I was thinking I was getting, or had a cold the last couple of days as I had trouble chewing, especially on the left side of my mouth where I am without several molars on the bottom. One molar is missing on the right side and I seemed to want the bridge that doctor’s had recommended for years but which I, and my mom, found too expensive.

I blamed my experience on a run in with my former dentists at the organic food market. I guess I thought he had some kind of negative siddhi that would make me suffer for our differences and make him look right. I suppose my circumstances do not allow me to think of forgiving siddhis.

Entry for August 12, 2008

I received security supplemental income in the 80’s. It was quite a sum of money, I thought. I was embarrassed by it, really.
I had gotten the supplemental when I told a woman at the social security office that I had mental problems which was my own conclusion because I had been taking medicine for something the doctors would not even say. One of the prescriptions I took was stelazine. Recently I found out it is given to schizophrenics, an anti-psychotic.
My first encounter with the mental health process here was when I told a policeman I was crazy. I was a bit. I was excessively passionate about politics and social issues and I had walked a few miles down to my relatives’ farm. In front of the farm although not in front of any people I disrobed. I had some nice new pants my mom had bought me. I never wore any underwear so it was no problem. I was a big nudist. There was no question about that and there had been issues concerning a local pool that had turned nudist. It closed down after about 6 months I think.
I also had issues with my family who were far right conservatives, Baptist and small minded.
I had not been able to find a job which continues to be an issue to me to this day. I was 25.
But I was just thinking, we are able to give you a check if we ascertain that you are mentally ill, impaired or disabled but if prejudice is the source of your disadvantage there is nothing we can do.
Oh there may be things we can do but they are complicated and involved. PROOF! PROOF! PROOF! Papers, dates, names. You know, don’t you?

Entry for August 10, 2008

Here’s something. Help me sell the house and I’ll give you piece of the sale.

Odd idea.

I was thinking of my brother who for years appealed to mom that she let him sell the house she was letting him live in on L.I. The house I grew up in.

He was making the mortgage payments.

There is something strange about a house in our family.

My father I have learned with the help of some of the documents I have found was paying on a house he lost in a divorce well into the 1960’s. I found a delinquent payment notice among mom’s papers. He was real hung up about a house, I know.

Entry for August 10, 2008

The Yankees pitcher Ian Kennedy is getting heat for his comments after the ballgame he pitched. He went 2 innings and gave up a lot of hits and runs.
Joe Girardi said part of playing in N.Y. is talking to the press. I understand how a young pitcher would have trouble with that. In fact the press is part of the reason players are paid so well to play in N.Y.
Kennedy did pitch well but he didn’t look very depressed after the game. Perhaps he needs a veteran influence. David Cone had a lot to say from the booth about what was going on with Ian. He wasn’t asking the questions though. He’s the type of player Kennedy could use some help from although being a broadcaster for YES it isn’t Coney’s job. There is a new pitching coach this year and maybe Kennedy misses the prsence of “The Gator” Ron Guidry. Maybe Kennedy picked up some tricks from Guidry that the new pitching coach, whose name I don’t even know, is not aware of.
The bullpen has done real well this year until yesterday when they got bombed. I think Edwar Ramirez had problems with the Angels before. Didn’t we get him from the Angels? They gave up on him! He has done real well this year with only one or two exceptions.
I was wondering if Ivan Rodriguez was catching and if that might have had something to do with the bullpen’s blowing the game. He doesn’t know what these guys can do as well as Molina who has caught them all season long. Of course Ivan is a veteran and an all-star so one hopes the mistakes are not that great.